Anna's 5th Birthday Party

A photo taken on the weekend before Anna's actual birthday where she had a tea-party at Nanny and Grandad's house, dressed in the Snow White costume that she wore at both parties... and yet another cake!!

You would think that being 36 and a half weeks pregnant (which had been anything but simple) would have meant that Anna's 5th birthday party would be a laid back and relaxed occasion. Maybe a simple yet cute tea party would be fun or even a day trip to somewhere special instead?

How about a village hall with 46 children to cater for and entertain for 2 hours as well as providing the party bags, decorating the hall to make it look fun-filled and interesting and ensuring the accompanying parents were well looked after? Sometimes I really do think I ask for trouble!

My thinking behind the extravagance was that this was to be Anna's last birthday as an only child and that 2012 would see her having to share her time with another person which may come as a big shock! Therefore, I wanted it to be special.

At this point, I must confess that I did not plan this party alone and, as the day of the actual party unfolded, I actually ended up doing very little due to being in hospital for most of it (see earlier post). One of Anna's best friends, Annabel, has a birthday 8 days earlier than Anna so, to share the stress, Lisa (Annabel's mum) and I decided to share the cost and stress by having a joint party for both girls. The girls were delighted at sharing their birthday party with each other and I was thrilled that Lisa had agreed to such an act of madness! As it turned out, the party would have had to be cancelled without Lisa being there so I am eternally thankful to her for being so wonderful!

When planning the party, I did contemplate the fact that I may have a 'condition' (see earlier post). Admittedly, I didn't ever think that my bump would be quite as huge as it was or that I would have spent the last 2 days lying in a hospital bed unable to move for fear of being sick for the 100th time that day but I did realise that 36 and a half weeks pregnant may mean that I couldn't co-ordinate the musical chairs quite as well as normal so we had hired an entertainer and not just any entertainer!

Lucia the Entertainer is quite literally the maddest woman that I have ever had the pleasure to meet! To call her an 'entertainer' would actually not be doing her justice as she is so much more than that! To be honest, many of the parties that we have been to have felt like much longer than 2 hours. As accompanying parent, you normally sit bored out of your tree. However, with Lucia, time goes incredibly quickly as she has this amazing skill of appealing to both parents and children alike on 2 different levels so the children think she is hysterically funny with her pet worm and squeaky voice while the adults are laughing at the way in which she has just managed to get 46 children running around the hall because their parents like too much wine! For weeks after, Anna kept asking me 'Mummy, do you drink too much wine on a Friday night?'. I couldn't fathom why she was worried that i had turned into some secret alcoholic and was so intent on knowing my alcohol intake until she said 'It is just in case I play a Lucia game again and she asks us to run if Mummy drinks too much wine?'. I later found out that Lucia's reputation is so good that many of the footballers wives in Manchester and Liverpool hire her for their parties! I like to think I am keeping up with the wags (for the first and only time in my life!). Anna had first met Lucia at her friend, Harry's party, and had instantly found a new hero! For weeks, Anna kept saying how Lucia was the funniest woman she had ever seen so I was thrilled when we managed to book her for Anna and Annabel's party.

So everything was going well. Annabel and Anna had discussed party themes and had chosen Disney Princess (what else!!!) and Lisa and I had discussed food options. Being the most useless cook in the world, Lisa had kindly agreed to sort the food if I sorted decorating the hall, the party bags and booking Lucia etc. To be honest, I still feel guilty as I think the food was so much more hard work than anything I did. However, Lisa is still claiming that she enjoys that element of party planning and wouldn't be able to organise the other stuff so we make a good team!

It was all sorted and, with 3 days before the party, excitement was building and everything was on track! That is until.... I got the food poisoning/stomach bug - see previous post!

When I realised, 3 hours before the party was due to begin, that I was going to be in hospital, I ended up handing over the decorations that I had carefully planned out in my head over to my mum, as well as the party bags and even the camera, in the hope that at least I could see some photos at a later date.

On the way to the hospital, I explained the situation to Lisa and apologised over and over again for leaving her in the lurch at the last minute. My poor mum had come to the rescue but having never met Lisa before and not being involved in the planning stage, it would be up to Lisa to run the ship. I felt so incredibly guilty. Of course, I need not have worried as Lisa was amazing and had it all covered.

James had also made an emergency call to his brother John, asking him if he could provide an extra pair of hands by coming early to the party in order to put up decorations etc. We also thought that having Auntie Charlotte and Uncle John there early would provide a great distraction for Anna so that the fact that her Mummy and Daddy weren't there would be slightly easier. Unbeknown to us, John rallied the troops and James' family arrived early to pitch in and help.

At this point, it seems appropriate to say a few Thank Yous. (I fear that this is going to sound like some really cheesy acceptance speech at some cheesy award ceremony but it's important because without these people, the party wouldn't have happened at all).

A million Thank Yous to (in absolute no particular order, it is just how my memory works!!)

My Mum - She had already arrived that morning to help with the preparations but ended up co-ordinating the whole event with Lisa as well as keep Anna calm and happy while chaos began around her. As with lots of things in my life, i wouldn't have been able to do it without her! Best mum in the world!

Lisa, Tim and Annabel - Even if I had not ended up back in hospital that morning, Lisa would need to be endlessly thanked for agreeing to have a joint party with us, let alone all the food she prepared which was truly amazing! I still get compliments now! It was such an amazing feast and had the yummiest food ever. Fruit drizzled with gorgeous chocolate was genius as it tasted divine and the kids ended up with fruit in disguise on their plate!! It was Lisa's idea to provide snacks for the parents to eat whilst at the party (as a kind of thank you for bringing the children and staying which takes stress out of it for us as organisers) and now, everyone at Anna's school has copied the idea so I get yummy cake whenever Anna has a party to go to! Not only that but, she was left to do it all when i was heading towards hospital and yet she still didn't end up being cross with me. Truly amazing and a superwoman! I am very lucky to call her a friend!

John and Charlotte - When James called them to see if they could come to the party early to help with decorations and general setting up (which meant leaving Manchester at that second), they didn't hesitate and immediately came. Not only that but they also called the troops in (James' other family members in Manchester) and got them to come early to lend a hand too. Then, at the end of the party, we didn't even have to ask but John just picked up a broom and became very proficient at sweeping up which saved so much time!

Charlotte - As well as helping to set up, Charlotte provided the cupcakes for all of the adults. They were exquisite and gorgeous and amazing! They must have taken hours and hours and, being a neonatal nurse on an extremely busy ward in a Manchester City centre hospital, she doesn't have great deal of time spare so it makes it even more special that she did them for us. She didn't even expect payment for them after so much time and effort and beautiful Ingredients. All of our guests were full of compliments about them and I had so many people ask which bakery we got them from. (Despite still being a full-time nurse, Charlotte has also set up a business selling her gorgeous cupcakes so if ever in Manchester and need some cupcakes making, seek out 'Baking Days' on Facebook!!!!)

Lynn - For making the cake. As always, it was truly gorgeous and fit for a princess. Like Charlotte, so much time and effort goes into it and it looks amazing. We feel honoured to have such an amazing birthday cake for Anna each year.



Jemma - One of James' family who was amazing on the day. When i arrived back from the hospital, the party was in full swing. I found Jemma just finishing off making cups of tea for the 46 parents and looking like an oasis of calm! When I started to apologise to Lisa for not being there to set up, she told me how Jemma had arrived and suddenly Lisa turned round to see everything had been set up and done!!! She said it was just as though Jemma had waved a magic wand and all was well!!! Whenever I had 2 or more jobs to do, Jemma just helped out without me even having to ask for help and everyone who I speak to says how amazing she was!

Ben - For entertaining the remaining children while their parents so kindly helped James and I to tidy up. It might not sound much but we would never have been able to do it so quickly or well if the children were constantly in our way but Ben carried on the party atmosphere so Anna and the 5 or 6 children were still having an amazing the whilst the boring work had to be done, just as it should be when it is your birthday party. All the children went home thinking Ben was some type of super hero!

The Guests - To everyone who came. Thanks to you, Anna was surrounded by people she loved which made the fact that her Mummy wasn't there for the first half an hour or so not so much of a big deal. Without you, the party wouldn't be a party and something that Anna will cherish forever. Thank you.

If there is anyone that I have forgot, I am so sorry. My brain was rather like jelly so it made it hard to comprehend most things!

When I arrived at the party, just over half an hour late, the party was well under way and, thanks to the amazing effort of those above, everyone looked to be having a good time, not least of all Anna who was in the middle of doing the hokey cokey with her Daddy and the other 46 children and adults! Everyone looked wonderful. All of the girls had come dressed as princesses with Anna being Snow White (thanks to the dressing up costume from Nanny and Grandad). I must have looked like I had come dressed in character too, as the mad evil queen disguised as an old woman. I looked truly dreadful (3 days of a sickness bug, dehydration, a massive fat bump and no wash will do that to a girl!) but everyone was kind enough to say that it was great to see me.

I really would have been heartbroken if I hadn't seen that beaming smile that lit up Anna's face for the entire duration of the party or the way in which she was so excited and overwhelmed when the entire hall sang Happy birthday to her before she blew the candles out on her wonderful cake. and it felt wonderful (Despite the tiredness) when Anna and I ended up disco dancing at the end with all her friends and family around her and Lucia cheering us on!

After the party, people kindly told both Lisa and I what a great party it was and many people commentated on what amazing food it was. Some of the compliments included..

'How on earth are we meant to compete with that? There is no way that we can better the perfect party like that'
'If Marks and Spencer's did parties, that would be it. That just wasn't a a party, that was an amazing party'.
'Best party we have been to'
'OMG! What on earth have you got planned for next year?'

Despite the drama and tears that surrounded the day, I came away from the party feeling so much better. Seeing your little girl having so much fun is really the best medicine you can get and, much more importantly, Anna had an amazing time at her 5th birthday party.

The Day I Missed the Most

Dear Anna,

Your 5th birthday will always be remembered with huge sadness for me because I wasn't there with you. I didn't even get to see you on your birthday which breaks my heart. I did get to wish you a Happy Birthday on the phone and I know that Daddy was as fantastic as ever as he made sure you had a good time. I know you were fine and had a good day and I know that you adored your party on the next day even more, which I did manage to get to, even if I was a few minutes late (After begging and pleading, I was discharged from hospital with 2 minutes before your party was due to start). However, I hope you know that I would have done anything to be there for you on your birthday and I wouldn't have thought twice about walking the 10 miles home if I could of. Unfortunately, being so ill meant I couldn't even contemplate that and you were not allowed in the hospital due to absolute fear that you would catch it too which really would have spoilt your birthday. Even as I write this, I am in tears thinking about how I missed out. Everyone tells me that there will be other birthdays so it is all ok but we can't get back your 5th birthday on 18th November 2011. People also tell me that you will forgive me because I gave you a sister and so I was just making sure that she was ok to meet you in a few short weeks after your birthday. Hopefully they are right and, after reading this in a few years time, you will understand what happened and how I came to miss it.

On the Tuesday evening, I and 4 friends had met up in a soft play centre, as we did every Tuesday. On the Wednesday morning, 3 of the friends had come down with sickness and diarrhea. I don't think any of them were brave enough to tell me for fear that I would panic that I may get it but, on Wednesday evening, Sally (one of my friends) text me to check I and the bump were ok and told me that they were all ill (but only the adults, not the children). We all thought that I had been lucky enough to escape it. Thursday came and they were all starting to feel better so all was good again.

I can still remember the moment it hit me and, even now, I actually feel physically sick and my stomach lurches when I think about it. I felt absolutely fine (apart from the aching legs and heartburn but all of that was to be expected when I looked like the size of a small house, waddling around with my huge bump) right up until we got half way home from school when I suddenly started to feel very very sick. Even then though, I convinced myself that it was my imagination playing tricks on me and I was just panicking because I had known my friends had suffered.

By the time we reached home, I was feeling really ill so lay on the sofa, still hoping that it was just my mind playing tricks. Luckily, Anna was amazing and just amused herself while I kept telling myself everything would be ok. James came home from work and I asked him if he would cook tea. I think, at this point, even James thought I was just losing my mind and it was all in my head. (In fact, he was still telling me that seconds before I threw up for the first time of many!).

As soon as Anna went to bed (I couldn't even find the energy to read her bedtime story so that was probably a sign that things were about to go badly wrong as I never miss the bedtime story!), I crawled into my own bed and lay there thinking 'I will wake up in a few hours and all will be fine'. Unfortunately, the stomach cramps got worse and then the sickness started. Every 20 minutes, I would start being sick again and, just as the sickness subsided, I would think 'Ok, I can start to feel better again now', only for the stomach cramps to kick in big style for the next 20 minutes and then the sickness/diarrhea to return. At one point, I was sat on the toilet whilst holding a washing up bowl and both were getting filled at the same time! So the cycle continued. By 11pm, I was completely drained. I should have known that I was in trouble when I drank 5 pints of squash in 4 minutes and I still felt the most thirsty that I had ever felt. I actually even considered filling the sink full of water and just scooping up glasses of water until the sink was empty, thinking that might quench the thirst! It then suddenly occured to me that I hadn't felt the baby kick since I had started to feel ill which was 5 hours ago. After drinking so much fluid in such a short space of time, I thought that baby would have done something but I didn't feel a thing. By 11.30pm, I was panicking so decided to phone the labour ward, thinking that they would probably reassure me that all was ok and it was all normal when you had been stuck in the bathroom for the last 5 hours!

At first, the midwife started to say that it sounded like a stomach bug and that I should just stay at home (which I fully expected them to say. I was just looking for reassurance). However, once I explained the frequency in which i was being violently sick and that i had just drunk 5 pints of squash in such a short space of time and still had a dry mouth and incredible thirst, she said that I should probably go to hospital, just so that baby could be checked on the monitor. I really hadn't been prepared for her to say that so started saying how I couldn't as I would feel guilty at putting other pregnant mum's at risk. She explained that I would be put in an isolation room (side room which is literally just inside the front door of the labour ward) and that I wouldn't be allowed to go anywhere else in the building and that a designated midwife would be the only one allowed to enter the room and she would be wearing special protective clothing etc. She followed this up by saying that I would probably only be in there for an hour whilst the checks had been done on baby and they would then send me back him to fight the stomach bug alone as they wouldn't be able to do anything.

Of course, someone had to stay at home to look after Anna. It was now 20 to midnight on the eve of her birthday and it wouldn't have been fair to drag her out of bed at that time, plus the less contact that she had with me, the less likely she was to catch this awful bug. Therefore, armed with a mixing bowl, I drove myself to hospital. I cannot begin to tell you how excruciating that journey was. It is a journey that takes about 15 to 20 minutes and I felt every second of it go by at a snails pace. I just kept saying to myself 'Do NOT be sick now. Do NOT need the toilet now'. and just prayed that I would make it to the hospital without passing out.

As I walked into the Labour ward, the 2 midwives at the nurses station took one look at the mixing bowl and jokingly said 'Now is no time for baking'. I replied 'I just didn't want to be sick all over your pavement' to which they both said that was very kind of me! The one midwife then took one look at my white, washed out face with sweat dripping down it (It was freezing outside but it soon got discovered that I had a raging temperature at that point) and said 'You look awful'. When they asked who was with me, I explained that I had driven myself and I am not sure they could believe it.

At this point, both the midwife and I still thought that I would be going home again in the next hour or so. It was only when I got hooked up to the monitor that they started to think this was more complicated than first thought. The baby's heart rate was quite slow and the monitor also showed that I could possibly be having contractions (It was later thought that it was just the severe stomach cramps from the sickness and these stopped quickly once I had started on the drip). They then realised that the reason for baby's lack of movement and reduced heart rate was that I was severely dehydrated. I had soon been fitted with a canular in my hand (they missed the vein on the first attempt - blood everywhere!!!!!) and I was on my 4th lot of glucose drip to get my hydration levels up, all within 2 hours of me arriving. Thankfully the baby heart rate was also going up again. Obviously, my illness was affecting the baby and so they decided to admit me.

As the sun came up on the new morning, my daughter's 5th birthday, I lay in that hospital bed, not having slept at all (still feeling incredibly rough) and just hoping and praying that Anna would forgive me for not being there on the morning of her birthday. I had already text james to tell him to let Anna open her presents as I knew Anna would be disappointed if she didn't get to ride her birthday scooter to school on the first morning of getting it (and which she has rode every morning to school ever since. The scooter has been one of the most successful presents ever!). Anna said that she wanted to wait until I got home to open her cards but, as the day drew on, it became clear that I wouldn't get home to see her open them so her daddy persuaded her to open them when she got in from school.

Speaking to her on the phone that afternoon was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had. I was trying so desperately not to cry as I knew getting upset myself would upset Anna and that was the very thing I wanted to avoid doing. I managed to talk about the scooter and how her class had sang Happy birthday to her before my voice started cracking with the tears starting to flow. I just managed to say 'Happy birthday darling' before having to swallow very hard to stop revealing my sobs down the phone line!

By late afternoon of that day, I had stopped being sick and was starting to feel much better. Feeling better was almost as sudden as beginning to feel so awful the day before. Baby's checks were all coming back fine now. The only problem was that tests were still showing that I was dehydrated although not enough to affect baby. The doctor that I finally saw at 11pm would allow me to go home (after I explained that it was my daughter's birthday and that I had a massive party planned for the next day so he took sympathy on me) as long as I promised that I would continuously drink for the next 24 hours.

There was hope that I could make it home to give Anna a kiss on her 5th birthday, even if she was fast asleep. Unfortunately, I couldn't even do that as the car park meter in the maternity building had broken which meant I had to walk all the way to the main building in the dark. Being 11.30pm, they had locked the front entrance which meant I then had to go through A and E, up several very long corridors and into the main foyer (in semi-darkness) in order to get my car park ticket!!!

I finally made it home and went immediately to Anna's bedroom to give her a kiss and wish her happy birthday. I glanced at my watch. It read 00.04. It was Saturday, Anna's birthday was gone for another year and I had missed it.

I dragged me and my bump into bed with a heavy heart, feeling extremely drained, both physically and mentally.

Saturday was the day of Anna's birthday party and was no small affair with 46 children and accompanying parents due at the village hall in a few short hours. Saturday morning was spent putting finishing touches to the party bags before spending some much wanted time with Anna where we looked at her birthday gifts that she had opened the day before and which I now got a chance to see myself. We played and laughed.

Time was getting ever closer to the start of the party so 'action stations' were called and we all headed upstairs to get ready. I wasn't ready for what greeted me in the bathroom as I discovered that I was bleeding. This was not even a tiny amount of bleeding. There was no mistaking that this was not a good sign at all. Just when I dared to relax after the last 48 hour ordeal, I felt like I had just been hit by a steam train as I was so exhausted. I shouted for James to come and the fear in his face said it all. My immediate response was me saying ''I have got to get Anna to the party'. Of course, I feared for my unborn baby but I had woken up determined that today would make up for missing Anna's actual birthday and my brain was still in that mindset. I even contemplated going to the party and putting on a brave face so Anna wouldn't know. However, the bleed was not good and my mum, (who had luckily arrived that morning to help with the party and, yet again, came to the rescue. What would I do without her?) took control saying she would get Anna to the party and help Lisa, mum to Annabel, who Anna was having a joint party with. This was another person who came to the rescue in an amazing way and who I would have been lost without on that particular day.

So as I headed off to hospital for the second time, with James making frantic phone calls to his family saying 'all hands on deck', my mum got Anna ready and took her to the party. When we arrived at the hospital, I was ushered into the very same bed that I had left only 12 hours earlier. I just kept saying to James 'please go and make sure Anna has a good time at her party' in between the sobs. I just couldn't believe that this was happening. Thankfully, the nurses and doctors on Chester labour ward were all aware of why I was so upset as I had begged them to let me go home the night before. They quickly monitored me and assured me that the baby was fine so James headed off to the party under my strictest of instructions that he was to make sure Anna had an amazing time and no one was to worry about me. After an internal examination, they informed me that this was my 'show' which basically meant my ''plug"' had come away, my cervix was getting ready to give birth and my waters could go at any second. (Apparently this is quite common after a severe virus/illness). They predicted that my baby would be here within the next couple of weeks, possibly even the next few hours. They attended to me so quickly that they discharged me within 2 hours. So at 3.15pm, just as Anna's party was starting 8 miles away, I rushed out of the ward, saying thank you to everybody I met from the cleaner to the consultant doctor that had completed her paperwork at world record speed. 'Will you make it to the party now?', they all asked. 'I am going to do my very best' I shouted back as I ran out of the ward.

So, with another emergency dash, this time by my mum, who came and got me, I headed back to the party. Without a scrap of makeup, my hair unbrushed and feeling tiredness beyond belief, I arrived to my daughters party, admittedly half an hour late but I made it. Of course, Anna was having far too much fun to notice but everyone pointed to me, telling Anna that I had made it and her beaming smile was all I needed to instantly carry me through the next 2 hours of mayhem (Details and lots of thank you's to follow in the next blog post)

Hello Mum

Despite not writing on this blog since last September, I have just found out that my mum has still been checking every week, just to see if there are any updates on her gorgeous granddaughter on this little blog of no importance! (Which is now 2 gorgeous granddaughters plus another granddaughter, courtesy of my brother and his wife)

In fact, I hadn't even told her that I had started writing it again. I only found out that she still read it when she sent me a text saying 'Great to read your blog again Lou. Really enjoyed it'.

Please Note: We do have other means of communication as we do talk each week on the phone and see each other regularly too! My poor mum has not been denied information since last September!!

Such a show of dedication means that that this officially makes my mum the best Mum and Nanny in the world!!!

PS: Mum - there is another post on the way but it is taking a while to write in between the constant feeding, nappy changes, getting Anna some tea, rare occasions of sleep etc

So... Have You Been Up to Much?

As this blog has featured no events in our life since last September, you would be forgiven for thinking that nothing very exciting has occurred, hence no posts.

If you don't count being hospitalised twice, having a baby (which involved giving birth to a 10lb baby who was back-to-back, whilst I was on a drip to speed up induction so contractions hit me like running at full speed into a brick wall, going from 3cm dilated to 10cm in a matter of minutes with no pain relief and no stitches), Anna turning 5 years old and becoming a big sister and adjusting to life with two gorgeous daughters(double the children but so much more than double the work!), I suppose I haven't been up to a great deal!

I realise that I should have blogged about the whole pregnancy lark as some type of memento to the 9 months that I endured but being in denial about it and just trying to fool everyone into thinking that I had eaten too many cakes (easy to do when you are me!) meant that blogging was the last thing I felt like doing. In fact, for the entire duration of the 9 months, I only once referred to myself as being 'pregnant' as I refused to say the word. Even when I was forced to discuss it with people, I referred to myself as being in a 'condition'. Doctors and midwives found it intriguing and just shook their head at me in a bemused way!

In 2010, I suffered a miscarriage. I was only 6 weeks so I know women go through a lot worse than me with a miscarriage but it was a truly dreadful time. Nobody was told except parents and one group of close friends as I couldn't keep making stupid excuses as to why we couldn't meet up that week). I thought I had got over it and resolved it in my own head by saying 'It was only 6 weeks, only a size of a sesame seed etc'. However, after giving myself what I thought was plenty of time and then finding myself pregnant again (I can say the word now!,)I refused to allow myself believe that this was actually happening to me for fear of it happening again. I wouldn't allow myself to get my hopes up and then so cruelly have them taken away so I even told myself that my ever expanding tummy was eating too much chocolate and cake. At each scan, I told myself that the monitor was just showing somebody else's growing baby and not mine. We told nobody (apart from my mum and dad but that was only because they took Anna on holiday and we tagged along. I was so convinced that something awful would happen on holiday that I 'warned' them that I might be having to go to hospital whilst in Cornwall if a miscarriage happened again) and only announced the news to close family and friends at 20 weeks.

Soon after 20 weeks, the mum's in the playground started to look me up and down suspiciously but they did not say anything in case I really had lost the plot and had just started eating 20 cream cakes a day (which is not beyond belief with me)! When I finally did decide to announce it, I told three friends (Yes, I can actually call some of the playground mum's a friend now. Wonders will never cease!) and then positioned ourselves right next to the renowned 'gossip' of the playground (I secretly nickname her 'gobby') and, as predicted, by the time I picked Anna up that afternoon, everyone was congratulating me. One mum actually let out a huge sigh of relief when she got told and said 'Oh, I am so relieved. I have kept wanting to congratulate you and felt guilty for not doing it but then kept worrying that you had hit a mid-life crisis and just started eating too much chocolate'.

Even when my bump was of epic proportions and wildlife experts were making plans to return the 'beached whale' of Tattenhall back to the sea, I still would not allow myself to believe. No clothes for baby number 2 were bought until 37 weeks, no nursery equipment had been assembled, no baby books had been read. It was the complete opposite of Anna, where the nursery was all ready for her arrival by 30 weeks, she had a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes and every baby book on the planet had been read in anticipation!

Due to the complete denial, the last thing I felt like doing was writing a blog, let alone do essential stuff like buying nappies. My worst fear would have been to write all about it and then have to turn round and announce it was all over. In fact, my whole life was put on hold. My aim each day was to get Anna to school and back and spend daytimes on my own doing anything but think about pregnancy (it mainly consisted of playing tetris on my phone and planning an extravagant 5th birthday party. Details to follow in a separate blog post!!!)

Thankfully, all went well, excluding the 3 unexplained bleeds during the 9 months, the severe food poisoning which lead to being hospitalised due to severe dehydration, the 'show' at 36 weeks and the medication for high blood pressure. However, none of that matters because baby number 2 is here and, as I write this, is cooing as Anna talks at her about football club!

I plan to start a new blog soon, with tales of life with two daughters including the arrival of Anna's little sister, but this blog deserves a good send off so I want to write about Anna's 5th birthday which I hope will round it all off nicely. It is time to move on!

Happy Birthday Anna!

(This was written after Anna's birthday as I was in hospital :-( but it is wriiten with the very special date of the 18th November in mind, hence why it has the date of her actual birthday)

My darling daughter is 5.

I'm not sure why but 5 seems like one of the milestone ages. I suppose it is because, by the age of 5, they are in school and suddenly she seems to be a young lady and you can start to imagine them as they get older, even through to the teenage years! She has already announced that she likes Olly Murs, thinks Katy Perry is wonderful (worrying!!) and has asked for the One Direction album. Can I just add that that Anna's taste in music is not all bad as she also likes Queen, Van Morrison and T-Rex and can name several Beatles songs although she is not so keen on the 4 from Liverpool.

Anna is full of contradictions. She loves her Disney Princess dolls but also adores going to football club every Saturday and getting muddy! She thinks Ballet is rubbish as it just about dancing around with feathers and doing too much 'fluffy stuff' (Those classes at 9am on a Saturday morning were a waste of a lie-in then!) but loves dressing up in pretty pink dresses and 'princess shoes'. She thinks Rhino's are the best animal ever and cannot see the attraction in cute puppies and furry kittens one little bit although one of her favourite current toys is 'Littlest Pet Shop'. Playing 'Mummies and Babies' is not Anna's idea of fun but give her a garden to play 'tag' or tell her that we are playing 'pirates' and she is there!

Anna's teacher has already remarked on several occasions how Anna is one of the most strong-willed, determined and eccentric 5 year old she has ever met. Once she has made up her mind about something, there is no changing her and she can be incredibly stubborn. If she was a pupil in my class and I was her teacher, she would drive me crazy! However, along with that mix, she is also one of the most kind, sensitive, considerate and caring 5 year old you are also likely to meet which I think makes for a very special little lady. Anna knows her own mind and isn't afraid to speak it but always looks out for everyone, treats everyone the same and with the same kindness and adores her friends and family so very much.

We adore you too Anna Gibson, for everything you are!

First Day at School

It is fair to say that Anna was a little reluctant to get out of bed on her first day at School. Having to be literally dragged out of bed was not the greatest start. Grumbling as I put her dress on also wasn't a good sign and then bursting out crying and telling me that her shoes hurt did not bode well. (Her shoes didn't hurt at all. Wearing sandals ALL summer meant that it just felt a little strange!).

The obligatory photo then had to be taken, which Anna was refusing to do, until I showed her photos of her friends on Facebook whose mum's had proudly displayed them (Thanks Sophie and Sally). Once she saw Freja and Rhianna in uniform, she cheered up. I think it also dawned on her that his was not only the end of her summer but everybody else too so it wasn't so bad.


Whilst walking to school, we met up with some older children who were heading back to school. They asked whether Anna was 'new' so I explained it was her first day. They were lovely and introduced themselves and what class they were in etc. Anna proudly looked at me said 'These are the big children and I am one of the big children now'! The brother and sister then started to discuss the tedious nature of homework which Anna tried to join by just repeating everything they said, even though she had no idea what they were talking about!

The only sign of nervousness was when we entered the playground. It seems that 75% of the school wait in the same small patch of playground so it was rather crowded and Anna just took my hand!

Finally, the door opened and each of us took our turn to enter the classroom. Miss Hughes, the teacher, gave everyone a very cheery 'Hello' as Anna looked up at her and said 'I'm at Big School now' with an equally cheery smile on her face. As soon as she saw her classroom, she let out a 'WOW! Look at all the toys Mummy'. Her coat peg was found quickly and cubey was safely put in her drawer. Anna then, predictably, headed straight for the writing table while glancing at the book in the reading corner on the way past.

After a minute, she looked up and said 'Are you going to sit and write with me Mummy?'. I knew that if I sat down, both Anna and I would find it much more harder emotionally to get up and leave so I gently replied 'mummy has to go in little while'. I didn't mean that exact moment but Anna had decided, if I wasn't there to stay, there was no point in prolonging the 'Goodbye'. She just looked at me matter-of-fact and said 'I think you should go now then Mummy'. At that point, the tears flowed so I gave her a kiss, wished her a lovely day and walked away. Anna didn't even look up from her picture!

Outside, most of the mum's were holding it together... just. I cried and didn't care! Luckily, Lucy's mum took pity and said 'Come on, we are going for coffee' and we went to the village coffee shop where most of the new starters mum's were also consoling themselves over a cup of coffee!

It was the longest day ever!!!!!! I kept busy but ironing and dusting doesn't exactly stretch the brain so I just kept wondering what she was doing and whether she was happy. I have never felt time go so slowly. I would look at my watch, thinking an hour had surely passed since I last looked... and it had been literally 5 minutes!

At 3.15pm, it was time to pick her up (no easing them in gradually, Full time from Day 1!!!!). I was sat outside the school at 3pm, just to make sure. I think I was even more nervous than I had been that morning. Mornings are so tied up with making lunch boxes and checking book bags that you get lost in the chaos. Now, I was on my own and time to think up awful scenarios where she had shouted at someone or refused to do something! I had visions of her coming out crying and saying she had hated every minute and 'never make me come back Mummy;.

The door opened and 26 parents all held their breath. Then, one by one, the children came out. A few were smiling but the majority just looked exhausted and shell-shocked!!! I feared the worse! Then, Anna came out... with a huge beaming smile on her face. 'I've had a great day Mummy. Miss Hughes is absolutely lovely. I played shops. Quick Mummy, the playground' She then threw me her book bag and ran off to join the others on the new playground equipment (which is huge and better than any park or playground that I have ever been in!).

In anticipation of a bad day (Me, a pessimist, never!!!), we had arranged to meet with her 3 best friends for tea. Normally, she can't wait to see them and I have 'Can we go and meet them yet' for about 4 hrs until we actually do get to see them. Today, I could not get her off the wobbly bridge. 'I'm playing with the big children' she said. She did look extremely small compared to all the year 5's who were surrounding her. The playground had never looked so big as I stood there with my little girl in the centre of it all. It seemed a vey scary place for a 4 year old (or even a 31 year old parent) but Anna was having a good time.

Eventually I managed to drag her home where the plan was to get changed, open the cards that she had been sent (from lovely people who had sent her 'Good Luck' and 'First Day at School' cards) and the massive gift box that the postman had delivered, adreessed to Anna, before then heading out to meet her friends. The cards were opened and the gift box unwrapped (to reveal the most gorgeous balloon ever (butterflies) with a Good Luck message from Grandad Flob, Grandma Lynn and Uncle Henry'). I then thought we could go but No. Anna then had to tell Daddy about how lovely Miss Hughes was and how great the playground was before running around the house for a good 15 mins, so excited!!! Where was the exhausted girl that I was expecting??

We eventually did manage to meet up with our friends where Anna still couldn't contain her excitmement and jumped up and down, telling them all about her day!

At bedtime, I still felt a little apprehensive, thinking there might be tears when reflecting on her day. I tentatively said 'School again tomorrow Anna' (having a horrible feeling that Anna thought it was a one-off event. She snuggled down in her quilt and said 'Yes. School tomorrow. PE too!' and went to sleep with a smile on her face!

I am finding it considerably more difficult (hence why I am writing this rather than doing the ironing, therapy!!) and the second day does not seem to be going much faster than the first. I definitely need to find something to occupy me. I am working on it!

I still anticiapte that the novelty will wear off and there may be tears in the coming days or weeks, especially when exhaustion starts to set in (with no transition and going full-time straight away, Anna will be completely tired out for the next few weeks).

So, as I write this, Anna is on her second day and walked to school this morning, singing 'I'm going to big school'! Let's hope she is as happy this afternon.

(Photo to follow shortly!)

The Night Before the Big Day

I can't sleep :-(

Anna is sleeping soundly and, hopefully, dreaming of wonderful things (see earlier post) but I am sat here, tears streaming down my face and feeling rather emotionally worn out.

Tomorrow is the big day where Anna starts school and I am feeling sick with nerves. I am feeling far worse than when I was a new pupil or even a teacher starting school (and believe me, I was stressed then!).

It seems all I have done today is cry. Of course, I have hid whilst the tears flow so that Anna wouldn't see me but, at one point, I had no choice to present myself as I was hiding in the bathroom and Anna couldn't hold on any longer! She took one look at me, turned on her heel and went in the opposite direction. Only to appear 5 seconds later, holding a tissue and saying 'Don't worry Mummy'. Thankfully, she didn't ask me what I was crying for. I think she just assumes that Mummy is a 'bit weird' sometimes.

I was actually OK until lunch time. We were making lunch like normal and I gave Anna a yogurt pouch which she has always had trouble opening. She asked me to help and it suddenly occurred to me that opening yogurt or other such items isn't going to be done by me from tomorrow onwards. I said 'Anna, if you need any help tomorrow, opening things or doing things up, remember to ask for help. Someone will always be there to help you'. Anna just nodded and promised she would ask! It sounds such a simple thing I'm sure but it just feels so wrong that, for 6 hours a day, I am not going to be there to help. What if she is too scared to ask? What if she goes hungry because I'm not there to help? What if she needs me and I'm not there?

Don't even get me started on the whole playground thing. The school playground is huge and I have these awful visions of Anna just standing there not knowing where to go or who to play with as all these older, bigger children are running around and nobody is noticing her.

I know! I shouldn't have been so protective of her for the last 5 years. I should have made her more independent and tough. However, she is and always be my baby and I have always felt like I should be there. I am sure that this is my problem and I should have let go a little more but it hashappened and I have loved every second of these past 4 and a half years.

4 and a half years! That is nothing! Why can't I have a bit longer without having to say Goodbye to my baby for 5 consecutive days, 6 and a half hours at a time!

I know Anna is ready for school acadmeically and I know it is a passage in life we must all face. Anna probably is ready but I am pretty certtain her Mummy isn't!!!

I think I can say that Anna loves life at the moment. What if school changes that and she hates getting up every morning. What if we have tears before bedtime evry night??? No parent wants to see thier baby upset.

So, somehow and God knows how, I am going to have to put on my best brave and excited face tomorrow morning, walk my baby to school and say Goodbye for the day. I have no idea how I am going to do that as simply thinking about it is making me drown the keyboard in snot and tears but I will find a way. I will try to be brave and then come home to cry for a while!

(Apologies for the soppiness of this post! To all you non-parents, working parents or even just sensible rational parents, I probably sound pathetic!)