Last night, I was attempting to wash Anna's hair. This is not Anna's favourite pastime and she was verging on the edge of a tantrum. She began to shout at me that she didn't want her hair washed.
I silently counted to 5 and then said, in my ever so calm and quiet voice 'Anna... shouting isn't very nice is it'?
Anna went from scream to silence in 1 second.
Had my calm and soothing voice actually worked for a change?
Anna then looked at me and, in an equally calm and quiet voice said,
'Well ... having your hair washed and Mummy getting shampoo in your eyes isn't very nice either... is it?'.
There were no words as I was trying to think of a witty or intelligent comeback.
I am still trying to think of one...
Friday, 30 April 2010
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Having It All???
The only conclusion that can reach is that it is impossible. I am not convinced that a woman can have it all - the career, the perfect mum role, the perfect wife, the perfect anything really.
For the past few months, I have grown incredibly itchy feet. I have felt like there has been something missing that I can call my own. I have heard the world of education and teaching calling my name ever louder and it is starting to annoy me!
I even feel guilty writing this. This is not something I am meant to admit to. I am meant to feel completely fulfilled and happy looking after Anna. As you all know, I adore her with every aching bone in my body and more but yet, I feel like she is about to embark on pre-school every morning of the week, making new friends, exploring new things with teachers challenging her along the way and I continue to return to the ironing board and hoover. Anna is starting to get a little world of her own without me there every second of the day and I am left with an empty house.
I realise that, as a mum, you have to be there when Anna has had that bad day at school or feels under the weather so that is when returning to work seems a little harsh. I then feel even more guilty when I admit that I have applied for a teaching post. Am I mad?
It seems to be the perfect job for me. I am a specialised in Early Years education and Literacy. This post combines the two. It is basically to become a Reading expert and deliver intensive teaching sessions to those children who are struggling to learn reading techniques within the class. It would mean working 5 mornings a week and going back to college for one afternoon per week for specialist training. I would also lead the school staff in how to teach reading more effectively. I did bits of it whilst I taught full-time (in my 'Head of Literacy' role) and loved it. It combines a 'management' role with teaching the two areas of education that I love.
I still don't even know if it will work. I would have to be in school at 8.30am at the latest and I'm not sure what my contracted hours will be. If it was until 12 noon, it could work really well. Anna could go to the Breakfast club (dropped off at 8am), go to her normal pre-school session and then stay for lunch. I would then pick her up at 12.45am and afternoons would be ours. It is all with the same staff and in the same rooms so she would not be pushed from one form of childcare to another.
However, I then get this incredible guilt that I shouldn't even be contemplating this job. The housework would get completely neglected, I wouldn't be able to attend the Sports Days and Open Mornings at pre-school and, dare I say it, James and Anna might end up with something that isn't cooked from scratch on 1 evening per week. I know that I would feel rushed off my feet and that there just isn't enough hours in the day. I would also feel incredibly guilty about not spending as much time with Anna as I have for the first 4 years of her life.
The job would also make me feel guilty. I always believe that you must go above and beyond in whatever you do. My dad once told me that if you don't put 100% into whatever you do and don't do your very best, then you are wasting your time and everybody else's. I have always had that work ethic. Hence why I was always the one who arrived at 7.45am each morning and was still at school at 6pm at night and the one who worked all day every Sunday to make sure my planning and resources were perfect. I just wouldn't be able to go above and beyond with this role. I could fulfil all of my contractual obligations but there just wouldn't be the time to be able to stop and do the after-school club or attend all the staff meetings. I would make sure that my teaching was the very best it could be but would I really be happy to do the minimum?
To be honest, the role has come a year too early. If this had been this time next year, Anna would be starting Reception in Primary school so she would be going full-time anyway. There would be no childcare issues and Anna wouldn't even notice that I was working (apart from the huge bags under my eyes).
Yet, there is still this niggling feeling that this job is the only way back into teaching. I don't particularly relish the idea of full class responsibility again so I was contemplating a Teaching Assistant role. My teaching friends tell me that I am crazy and that I would get bored within 5 minutes and frustrated if the teacher isn't doing as good a job as I would do (I very much doubt that one!!). With the role advertised, I still use my teaching qualification and experience that I have gained (Minimum requirements is Qualified Teaching status, 4 yrs experience and Literacy specialism) doing something that I previously loved. The twist to the tale is that this is the last year of funding for the role being advertised. If Mr Cameron is elected, it is certainly the end of this type of intervention work being funded (It is incredibly expensive to train teachers who have clocked up a few miles!!!) and there are no guarantees with Mr Brown. It seems like the gate is slightly ajar for me to enter the world of teaching again but about to close tightly shut.
It was a very surreal experience completing my application form. I was writing about being 'Head of Literacy' and 'Head of Infants' and it felt as though I was writing about somebody else. I had to go back through my old diaries and notes, just to make sure that I had done all of these things. It feels like a lifetime ago. Was I ever capable of doing that? To make it feel even more surreal, I have been talking to my 2 previous headteachers, who I worked for, this week. I wrote to both of them, asking their permission to use them as a reference. They both contacted me out of the blue and said some extremely nice things about me. I had to pinch myself to actually believe that they were talking about me. It sounded like they were talking about some random teacher who just happened to be called Louise and who happened to achieve all of this stuff. That surely couldn't have been me who had a career and promotions and was actually quite good at what she did (so I am told), once upon a time!
In the letter to Mt Stephenson, my opening line had been 'I'm not sure if you will remember me'. When I picked up the phone, at first, I had no idea who this voice from my past was and he started to laugh (in his very distinctive deep voice, sounding very much like Father Christmas and looking a lot like him too but with less cheer).
He then said "Remember you Miss Gwynn (as I was known for the majority of my time at his school), I remember your eyes as wide as saucers and a smile as wide as can be when I presented you with your first class and I remember the moment you came screaming down the corridor when you announced you were engaged. I remember you running for your life when you spotted a mouse and yelling at me (!!!) and I remember all those times you had a fit of uncontrollable giggles in staff meetings (We were like naughty school children in those staff meetings!) but most of all, I remember what a fantastic teacher you were. How could I forget you?"
Mt Stephenson had made me cry!
I have so many mixed responses too, depending on what group of people I talk to and how they know me. My friends that I have made since having Anna all think that I don't know how lucky I am to not have to work and think I am mad for even thinking about returning to it part-time. My friends I made whilst teaching (including working mum's) all think I would be mad to not go for the job.
So I now sit here contemplating my future. My first and foremost priority is Anna and always will be. If I thought, for one second, that my decision would cause her unhappiness, I could instantly make up my mind and not give it a second thought. However, I don't know!
If I took the job, I have visions of me regretting it and learning a very hard lesson about 'grass being greener...' but, on the other hand, when Anna is at school next year full time, will I look back and regret the opportunity I missed to get back into teaching as I probably end up taking a Teaching Assistant role.
To sum it up - I don't think a woman can have it all. If you stay at home, you feel like you could be stretching yourself more and feel the whole world is at work while you are behind 4 walls. Meanwhile, those working mum's feel incredibly guilty and wish they were at home playing 'house'. Even part-time workers, feel like they don't give enough time to work and/or look after their child as they feel spilt in half!
Anyone out there with any answers, opinions or suggestions, please let me know because I given up trying to work it out!
P.S: I might not even get an interview and all of this would be a waste of time anyway! Oh well...
For the past few months, I have grown incredibly itchy feet. I have felt like there has been something missing that I can call my own. I have heard the world of education and teaching calling my name ever louder and it is starting to annoy me!
I even feel guilty writing this. This is not something I am meant to admit to. I am meant to feel completely fulfilled and happy looking after Anna. As you all know, I adore her with every aching bone in my body and more but yet, I feel like she is about to embark on pre-school every morning of the week, making new friends, exploring new things with teachers challenging her along the way and I continue to return to the ironing board and hoover. Anna is starting to get a little world of her own without me there every second of the day and I am left with an empty house.
I realise that, as a mum, you have to be there when Anna has had that bad day at school or feels under the weather so that is when returning to work seems a little harsh. I then feel even more guilty when I admit that I have applied for a teaching post. Am I mad?
It seems to be the perfect job for me. I am a specialised in Early Years education and Literacy. This post combines the two. It is basically to become a Reading expert and deliver intensive teaching sessions to those children who are struggling to learn reading techniques within the class. It would mean working 5 mornings a week and going back to college for one afternoon per week for specialist training. I would also lead the school staff in how to teach reading more effectively. I did bits of it whilst I taught full-time (in my 'Head of Literacy' role) and loved it. It combines a 'management' role with teaching the two areas of education that I love.
I still don't even know if it will work. I would have to be in school at 8.30am at the latest and I'm not sure what my contracted hours will be. If it was until 12 noon, it could work really well. Anna could go to the Breakfast club (dropped off at 8am), go to her normal pre-school session and then stay for lunch. I would then pick her up at 12.45am and afternoons would be ours. It is all with the same staff and in the same rooms so she would not be pushed from one form of childcare to another.
However, I then get this incredible guilt that I shouldn't even be contemplating this job. The housework would get completely neglected, I wouldn't be able to attend the Sports Days and Open Mornings at pre-school and, dare I say it, James and Anna might end up with something that isn't cooked from scratch on 1 evening per week. I know that I would feel rushed off my feet and that there just isn't enough hours in the day. I would also feel incredibly guilty about not spending as much time with Anna as I have for the first 4 years of her life.
The job would also make me feel guilty. I always believe that you must go above and beyond in whatever you do. My dad once told me that if you don't put 100% into whatever you do and don't do your very best, then you are wasting your time and everybody else's. I have always had that work ethic. Hence why I was always the one who arrived at 7.45am each morning and was still at school at 6pm at night and the one who worked all day every Sunday to make sure my planning and resources were perfect. I just wouldn't be able to go above and beyond with this role. I could fulfil all of my contractual obligations but there just wouldn't be the time to be able to stop and do the after-school club or attend all the staff meetings. I would make sure that my teaching was the very best it could be but would I really be happy to do the minimum?
To be honest, the role has come a year too early. If this had been this time next year, Anna would be starting Reception in Primary school so she would be going full-time anyway. There would be no childcare issues and Anna wouldn't even notice that I was working (apart from the huge bags under my eyes).
Yet, there is still this niggling feeling that this job is the only way back into teaching. I don't particularly relish the idea of full class responsibility again so I was contemplating a Teaching Assistant role. My teaching friends tell me that I am crazy and that I would get bored within 5 minutes and frustrated if the teacher isn't doing as good a job as I would do (I very much doubt that one!!). With the role advertised, I still use my teaching qualification and experience that I have gained (Minimum requirements is Qualified Teaching status, 4 yrs experience and Literacy specialism) doing something that I previously loved. The twist to the tale is that this is the last year of funding for the role being advertised. If Mr Cameron is elected, it is certainly the end of this type of intervention work being funded (It is incredibly expensive to train teachers who have clocked up a few miles!!!) and there are no guarantees with Mr Brown. It seems like the gate is slightly ajar for me to enter the world of teaching again but about to close tightly shut.
It was a very surreal experience completing my application form. I was writing about being 'Head of Literacy' and 'Head of Infants' and it felt as though I was writing about somebody else. I had to go back through my old diaries and notes, just to make sure that I had done all of these things. It feels like a lifetime ago. Was I ever capable of doing that? To make it feel even more surreal, I have been talking to my 2 previous headteachers, who I worked for, this week. I wrote to both of them, asking their permission to use them as a reference. They both contacted me out of the blue and said some extremely nice things about me. I had to pinch myself to actually believe that they were talking about me. It sounded like they were talking about some random teacher who just happened to be called Louise and who happened to achieve all of this stuff. That surely couldn't have been me who had a career and promotions and was actually quite good at what she did (so I am told), once upon a time!
In the letter to Mt Stephenson, my opening line had been 'I'm not sure if you will remember me'. When I picked up the phone, at first, I had no idea who this voice from my past was and he started to laugh (in his very distinctive deep voice, sounding very much like Father Christmas and looking a lot like him too but with less cheer).
He then said "Remember you Miss Gwynn (as I was known for the majority of my time at his school), I remember your eyes as wide as saucers and a smile as wide as can be when I presented you with your first class and I remember the moment you came screaming down the corridor when you announced you were engaged. I remember you running for your life when you spotted a mouse and yelling at me (!!!) and I remember all those times you had a fit of uncontrollable giggles in staff meetings (We were like naughty school children in those staff meetings!) but most of all, I remember what a fantastic teacher you were. How could I forget you?"
Mt Stephenson had made me cry!
I have so many mixed responses too, depending on what group of people I talk to and how they know me. My friends that I have made since having Anna all think that I don't know how lucky I am to not have to work and think I am mad for even thinking about returning to it part-time. My friends I made whilst teaching (including working mum's) all think I would be mad to not go for the job.
So I now sit here contemplating my future. My first and foremost priority is Anna and always will be. If I thought, for one second, that my decision would cause her unhappiness, I could instantly make up my mind and not give it a second thought. However, I don't know!
If I took the job, I have visions of me regretting it and learning a very hard lesson about 'grass being greener...' but, on the other hand, when Anna is at school next year full time, will I look back and regret the opportunity I missed to get back into teaching as I probably end up taking a Teaching Assistant role.
To sum it up - I don't think a woman can have it all. If you stay at home, you feel like you could be stretching yourself more and feel the whole world is at work while you are behind 4 walls. Meanwhile, those working mum's feel incredibly guilty and wish they were at home playing 'house'. Even part-time workers, feel like they don't give enough time to work and/or look after their child as they feel spilt in half!
Anyone out there with any answers, opinions or suggestions, please let me know because I given up trying to work it out!
P.S: I might not even get an interview and all of this would be a waste of time anyway! Oh well...
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Playground Politics
Well, I am still standing in the corner of the playground looking like the new kid in town.
I really don't know how I am going to break the ice with the other Mum's. It seems like it is an exclusive club which I do not have access to.
Anyone would think that I had two heads or my child was running around the playground hitting all the other children. Instead, Anna is being cute playing Hopscotch while I stand there trying to look like a nice person to talk to!
I am the first to admit that I am not great at making small talk with people until I get to know them. I simply can't enter a room and go up to people and start random conversations because I am utterly useless at it! It is even more intimidating when all of the mum's are standing in a huge circle with no room for me to even stand on the perimeters.
However, I fear that I am going to have to have lessons or something. I am just going to have to take a huge breath and stroll into the playground, smiling and shouting 'Hello' to anyone within the 50 mile radius. I am still not convinced it will do any good but needs must.
The problem is that they all seem to know each other in one capacity or another. Either they have attended the really popular Toddler group in the village (for children who haven't started pre-school yet), are members of the Friday Running club, meet at the stables or have older children in the school who are in the same class. That doesn't leave me with a great deal of options.
Option 1: Kidnap a toddler (aged 1 month - 3yrs). I wouldn't be very good at making small talk in prison either so that seems like a bad choice.
Option 2: Join the Running Club. You already know the answer to this one! I would be running around the first corner while they were all heading to the coffee shop after their 20 laps of the village.
Option 3: Buy a horse. Unless I want to end up with a lame horse while I sit in A and E, this isn't an option either.
Option 4: In order to get noticed, I could perform an all-singing, all-dancing act in the middle of the playground while dressed in novelty costume.
So it looks like Option 4 then.
On second thoughts, this may not be a good idea either.
To make matters worse, it seems' to be 'birthday season' and all the children are giving out party invitations. Unfortunately, none seem to be coming Anna's way. I have a horrible feeling that it is the mother's who decide on the guest list and, seeing as though I don't know them, Anna is getting overlooked!
I never seemed to have this problem at Anna's old playschool in Hoole, but then I did know some mum's who went to the Mum's and Tot's group so I already had a head start. I think it is also a symptom of village life. Everyone knows everyone else and a stranger is viewed with some suspicion and threat. James reassures me that we will no longer be viewed as the 'newcomers' in about 20 years from now. So that is something to look forward to!
I really don't know how I am going to break the ice with the other Mum's. It seems like it is an exclusive club which I do not have access to.
Anyone would think that I had two heads or my child was running around the playground hitting all the other children. Instead, Anna is being cute playing Hopscotch while I stand there trying to look like a nice person to talk to!
I am the first to admit that I am not great at making small talk with people until I get to know them. I simply can't enter a room and go up to people and start random conversations because I am utterly useless at it! It is even more intimidating when all of the mum's are standing in a huge circle with no room for me to even stand on the perimeters.
However, I fear that I am going to have to have lessons or something. I am just going to have to take a huge breath and stroll into the playground, smiling and shouting 'Hello' to anyone within the 50 mile radius. I am still not convinced it will do any good but needs must.
The problem is that they all seem to know each other in one capacity or another. Either they have attended the really popular Toddler group in the village (for children who haven't started pre-school yet), are members of the Friday Running club, meet at the stables or have older children in the school who are in the same class. That doesn't leave me with a great deal of options.
Option 1: Kidnap a toddler (aged 1 month - 3yrs). I wouldn't be very good at making small talk in prison either so that seems like a bad choice.
Option 2: Join the Running Club. You already know the answer to this one! I would be running around the first corner while they were all heading to the coffee shop after their 20 laps of the village.
Option 3: Buy a horse. Unless I want to end up with a lame horse while I sit in A and E, this isn't an option either.
Option 4: In order to get noticed, I could perform an all-singing, all-dancing act in the middle of the playground while dressed in novelty costume.
So it looks like Option 4 then.
On second thoughts, this may not be a good idea either.
To make matters worse, it seems' to be 'birthday season' and all the children are giving out party invitations. Unfortunately, none seem to be coming Anna's way. I have a horrible feeling that it is the mother's who decide on the guest list and, seeing as though I don't know them, Anna is getting overlooked!
I never seemed to have this problem at Anna's old playschool in Hoole, but then I did know some mum's who went to the Mum's and Tot's group so I already had a head start. I think it is also a symptom of village life. Everyone knows everyone else and a stranger is viewed with some suspicion and threat. James reassures me that we will no longer be viewed as the 'newcomers' in about 20 years from now. So that is something to look forward to!
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