The Day I Missed the Most

Dear Anna,

Your 5th birthday will always be remembered with huge sadness for me because I wasn't there with you. I didn't even get to see you on your birthday which breaks my heart. I did get to wish you a Happy Birthday on the phone and I know that Daddy was as fantastic as ever as he made sure you had a good time. I know you were fine and had a good day and I know that you adored your party on the next day even more, which I did manage to get to, even if I was a few minutes late (After begging and pleading, I was discharged from hospital with 2 minutes before your party was due to start). However, I hope you know that I would have done anything to be there for you on your birthday and I wouldn't have thought twice about walking the 10 miles home if I could of. Unfortunately, being so ill meant I couldn't even contemplate that and you were not allowed in the hospital due to absolute fear that you would catch it too which really would have spoilt your birthday. Even as I write this, I am in tears thinking about how I missed out. Everyone tells me that there will be other birthdays so it is all ok but we can't get back your 5th birthday on 18th November 2011. People also tell me that you will forgive me because I gave you a sister and so I was just making sure that she was ok to meet you in a few short weeks after your birthday. Hopefully they are right and, after reading this in a few years time, you will understand what happened and how I came to miss it.

On the Tuesday evening, I and 4 friends had met up in a soft play centre, as we did every Tuesday. On the Wednesday morning, 3 of the friends had come down with sickness and diarrhea. I don't think any of them were brave enough to tell me for fear that I would panic that I may get it but, on Wednesday evening, Sally (one of my friends) text me to check I and the bump were ok and told me that they were all ill (but only the adults, not the children). We all thought that I had been lucky enough to escape it. Thursday came and they were all starting to feel better so all was good again.

I can still remember the moment it hit me and, even now, I actually feel physically sick and my stomach lurches when I think about it. I felt absolutely fine (apart from the aching legs and heartburn but all of that was to be expected when I looked like the size of a small house, waddling around with my huge bump) right up until we got half way home from school when I suddenly started to feel very very sick. Even then though, I convinced myself that it was my imagination playing tricks on me and I was just panicking because I had known my friends had suffered.

By the time we reached home, I was feeling really ill so lay on the sofa, still hoping that it was just my mind playing tricks. Luckily, Anna was amazing and just amused herself while I kept telling myself everything would be ok. James came home from work and I asked him if he would cook tea. I think, at this point, even James thought I was just losing my mind and it was all in my head. (In fact, he was still telling me that seconds before I threw up for the first time of many!).

As soon as Anna went to bed (I couldn't even find the energy to read her bedtime story so that was probably a sign that things were about to go badly wrong as I never miss the bedtime story!), I crawled into my own bed and lay there thinking 'I will wake up in a few hours and all will be fine'. Unfortunately, the stomach cramps got worse and then the sickness started. Every 20 minutes, I would start being sick again and, just as the sickness subsided, I would think 'Ok, I can start to feel better again now', only for the stomach cramps to kick in big style for the next 20 minutes and then the sickness/diarrhea to return. At one point, I was sat on the toilet whilst holding a washing up bowl and both were getting filled at the same time! So the cycle continued. By 11pm, I was completely drained. I should have known that I was in trouble when I drank 5 pints of squash in 4 minutes and I still felt the most thirsty that I had ever felt. I actually even considered filling the sink full of water and just scooping up glasses of water until the sink was empty, thinking that might quench the thirst! It then suddenly occured to me that I hadn't felt the baby kick since I had started to feel ill which was 5 hours ago. After drinking so much fluid in such a short space of time, I thought that baby would have done something but I didn't feel a thing. By 11.30pm, I was panicking so decided to phone the labour ward, thinking that they would probably reassure me that all was ok and it was all normal when you had been stuck in the bathroom for the last 5 hours!

At first, the midwife started to say that it sounded like a stomach bug and that I should just stay at home (which I fully expected them to say. I was just looking for reassurance). However, once I explained the frequency in which i was being violently sick and that i had just drunk 5 pints of squash in such a short space of time and still had a dry mouth and incredible thirst, she said that I should probably go to hospital, just so that baby could be checked on the monitor. I really hadn't been prepared for her to say that so started saying how I couldn't as I would feel guilty at putting other pregnant mum's at risk. She explained that I would be put in an isolation room (side room which is literally just inside the front door of the labour ward) and that I wouldn't be allowed to go anywhere else in the building and that a designated midwife would be the only one allowed to enter the room and she would be wearing special protective clothing etc. She followed this up by saying that I would probably only be in there for an hour whilst the checks had been done on baby and they would then send me back him to fight the stomach bug alone as they wouldn't be able to do anything.

Of course, someone had to stay at home to look after Anna. It was now 20 to midnight on the eve of her birthday and it wouldn't have been fair to drag her out of bed at that time, plus the less contact that she had with me, the less likely she was to catch this awful bug. Therefore, armed with a mixing bowl, I drove myself to hospital. I cannot begin to tell you how excruciating that journey was. It is a journey that takes about 15 to 20 minutes and I felt every second of it go by at a snails pace. I just kept saying to myself 'Do NOT be sick now. Do NOT need the toilet now'. and just prayed that I would make it to the hospital without passing out.

As I walked into the Labour ward, the 2 midwives at the nurses station took one look at the mixing bowl and jokingly said 'Now is no time for baking'. I replied 'I just didn't want to be sick all over your pavement' to which they both said that was very kind of me! The one midwife then took one look at my white, washed out face with sweat dripping down it (It was freezing outside but it soon got discovered that I had a raging temperature at that point) and said 'You look awful'. When they asked who was with me, I explained that I had driven myself and I am not sure they could believe it.

At this point, both the midwife and I still thought that I would be going home again in the next hour or so. It was only when I got hooked up to the monitor that they started to think this was more complicated than first thought. The baby's heart rate was quite slow and the monitor also showed that I could possibly be having contractions (It was later thought that it was just the severe stomach cramps from the sickness and these stopped quickly once I had started on the drip). They then realised that the reason for baby's lack of movement and reduced heart rate was that I was severely dehydrated. I had soon been fitted with a canular in my hand (they missed the vein on the first attempt - blood everywhere!!!!!) and I was on my 4th lot of glucose drip to get my hydration levels up, all within 2 hours of me arriving. Thankfully the baby heart rate was also going up again. Obviously, my illness was affecting the baby and so they decided to admit me.

As the sun came up on the new morning, my daughter's 5th birthday, I lay in that hospital bed, not having slept at all (still feeling incredibly rough) and just hoping and praying that Anna would forgive me for not being there on the morning of her birthday. I had already text james to tell him to let Anna open her presents as I knew Anna would be disappointed if she didn't get to ride her birthday scooter to school on the first morning of getting it (and which she has rode every morning to school ever since. The scooter has been one of the most successful presents ever!). Anna said that she wanted to wait until I got home to open her cards but, as the day drew on, it became clear that I wouldn't get home to see her open them so her daddy persuaded her to open them when she got in from school.

Speaking to her on the phone that afternoon was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had. I was trying so desperately not to cry as I knew getting upset myself would upset Anna and that was the very thing I wanted to avoid doing. I managed to talk about the scooter and how her class had sang Happy birthday to her before my voice started cracking with the tears starting to flow. I just managed to say 'Happy birthday darling' before having to swallow very hard to stop revealing my sobs down the phone line!

By late afternoon of that day, I had stopped being sick and was starting to feel much better. Feeling better was almost as sudden as beginning to feel so awful the day before. Baby's checks were all coming back fine now. The only problem was that tests were still showing that I was dehydrated although not enough to affect baby. The doctor that I finally saw at 11pm would allow me to go home (after I explained that it was my daughter's birthday and that I had a massive party planned for the next day so he took sympathy on me) as long as I promised that I would continuously drink for the next 24 hours.

There was hope that I could make it home to give Anna a kiss on her 5th birthday, even if she was fast asleep. Unfortunately, I couldn't even do that as the car park meter in the maternity building had broken which meant I had to walk all the way to the main building in the dark. Being 11.30pm, they had locked the front entrance which meant I then had to go through A and E, up several very long corridors and into the main foyer (in semi-darkness) in order to get my car park ticket!!!

I finally made it home and went immediately to Anna's bedroom to give her a kiss and wish her happy birthday. I glanced at my watch. It read 00.04. It was Saturday, Anna's birthday was gone for another year and I had missed it.

I dragged me and my bump into bed with a heavy heart, feeling extremely drained, both physically and mentally.

Saturday was the day of Anna's birthday party and was no small affair with 46 children and accompanying parents due at the village hall in a few short hours. Saturday morning was spent putting finishing touches to the party bags before spending some much wanted time with Anna where we looked at her birthday gifts that she had opened the day before and which I now got a chance to see myself. We played and laughed.

Time was getting ever closer to the start of the party so 'action stations' were called and we all headed upstairs to get ready. I wasn't ready for what greeted me in the bathroom as I discovered that I was bleeding. This was not even a tiny amount of bleeding. There was no mistaking that this was not a good sign at all. Just when I dared to relax after the last 48 hour ordeal, I felt like I had just been hit by a steam train as I was so exhausted. I shouted for James to come and the fear in his face said it all. My immediate response was me saying ''I have got to get Anna to the party'. Of course, I feared for my unborn baby but I had woken up determined that today would make up for missing Anna's actual birthday and my brain was still in that mindset. I even contemplated going to the party and putting on a brave face so Anna wouldn't know. However, the bleed was not good and my mum, (who had luckily arrived that morning to help with the party and, yet again, came to the rescue. What would I do without her?) took control saying she would get Anna to the party and help Lisa, mum to Annabel, who Anna was having a joint party with. This was another person who came to the rescue in an amazing way and who I would have been lost without on that particular day.

So as I headed off to hospital for the second time, with James making frantic phone calls to his family saying 'all hands on deck', my mum got Anna ready and took her to the party. When we arrived at the hospital, I was ushered into the very same bed that I had left only 12 hours earlier. I just kept saying to James 'please go and make sure Anna has a good time at her party' in between the sobs. I just couldn't believe that this was happening. Thankfully, the nurses and doctors on Chester labour ward were all aware of why I was so upset as I had begged them to let me go home the night before. They quickly monitored me and assured me that the baby was fine so James headed off to the party under my strictest of instructions that he was to make sure Anna had an amazing time and no one was to worry about me. After an internal examination, they informed me that this was my 'show' which basically meant my ''plug"' had come away, my cervix was getting ready to give birth and my waters could go at any second. (Apparently this is quite common after a severe virus/illness). They predicted that my baby would be here within the next couple of weeks, possibly even the next few hours. They attended to me so quickly that they discharged me within 2 hours. So at 3.15pm, just as Anna's party was starting 8 miles away, I rushed out of the ward, saying thank you to everybody I met from the cleaner to the consultant doctor that had completed her paperwork at world record speed. 'Will you make it to the party now?', they all asked. 'I am going to do my very best' I shouted back as I ran out of the ward.

So, with another emergency dash, this time by my mum, who came and got me, I headed back to the party. Without a scrap of makeup, my hair unbrushed and feeling tiredness beyond belief, I arrived to my daughters party, admittedly half an hour late but I made it. Of course, Anna was having far too much fun to notice but everyone pointed to me, telling Anna that I had made it and her beaming smile was all I needed to instantly carry me through the next 2 hours of mayhem (Details and lots of thank you's to follow in the next blog post)