The Night Before the Big Day

I can't sleep :-(

Anna is sleeping soundly and, hopefully, dreaming of wonderful things (see earlier post) but I am sat here, tears streaming down my face and feeling rather emotionally worn out.

Tomorrow is the big day where Anna starts school and I am feeling sick with nerves. I am feeling far worse than when I was a new pupil or even a teacher starting school (and believe me, I was stressed then!).

It seems all I have done today is cry. Of course, I have hid whilst the tears flow so that Anna wouldn't see me but, at one point, I had no choice to present myself as I was hiding in the bathroom and Anna couldn't hold on any longer! She took one look at me, turned on her heel and went in the opposite direction. Only to appear 5 seconds later, holding a tissue and saying 'Don't worry Mummy'. Thankfully, she didn't ask me what I was crying for. I think she just assumes that Mummy is a 'bit weird' sometimes.

I was actually OK until lunch time. We were making lunch like normal and I gave Anna a yogurt pouch which she has always had trouble opening. She asked me to help and it suddenly occurred to me that opening yogurt or other such items isn't going to be done by me from tomorrow onwards. I said 'Anna, if you need any help tomorrow, opening things or doing things up, remember to ask for help. Someone will always be there to help you'. Anna just nodded and promised she would ask! It sounds such a simple thing I'm sure but it just feels so wrong that, for 6 hours a day, I am not going to be there to help. What if she is too scared to ask? What if she goes hungry because I'm not there to help? What if she needs me and I'm not there?

Don't even get me started on the whole playground thing. The school playground is huge and I have these awful visions of Anna just standing there not knowing where to go or who to play with as all these older, bigger children are running around and nobody is noticing her.

I know! I shouldn't have been so protective of her for the last 5 years. I should have made her more independent and tough. However, she is and always be my baby and I have always felt like I should be there. I am sure that this is my problem and I should have let go a little more but it hashappened and I have loved every second of these past 4 and a half years.

4 and a half years! That is nothing! Why can't I have a bit longer without having to say Goodbye to my baby for 5 consecutive days, 6 and a half hours at a time!

I know Anna is ready for school acadmeically and I know it is a passage in life we must all face. Anna probably is ready but I am pretty certtain her Mummy isn't!!!

I think I can say that Anna loves life at the moment. What if school changes that and she hates getting up every morning. What if we have tears before bedtime evry night??? No parent wants to see thier baby upset.

So, somehow and God knows how, I am going to have to put on my best brave and excited face tomorrow morning, walk my baby to school and say Goodbye for the day. I have no idea how I am going to do that as simply thinking about it is making me drown the keyboard in snot and tears but I will find a way. I will try to be brave and then come home to cry for a while!

(Apologies for the soppiness of this post! To all you non-parents, working parents or even just sensible rational parents, I probably sound pathetic!)