The Neighbourhood

You know you need to go on a diet when an elderly neighbour says 'I don't envy you being pregnant in this heat'. (I put the 'elderly' bit to make it sound slightly less mortifying and to make it sound like she may have been losing her marbles but, in fact, she was rather sprightly with a fully functioning mind!). At this point, I should have corrected her and just pointed out that, rather than being pregnant, I was just having a disastrous love affair with Mr Kipling. I should have told her that I wasn't pregnant and that, in fact, I was just fat! Instead I just smiled sweetly and walked on, keeping my back straight and trying to maintain a good posture so my tummy didn't stick out too much! After all, I didn't want to embarrass the poor lady, just like she had just embarrassed me (as I silently screamed for the ground to open up and swallow me). I have a feeling that her husband may have corrected her later on (Her husband and I often have daily discussions about the weather, the government or anything in between!) because they both happened to walk past later on Saturday, just as James was cutting the lawn and I was no where to be seen. Thankfully Anna was her normal charming self and started telling them all about her new shoes, to which the lady asked James 'So are you having another child?'. At which point, James politely smiled and said 'No, I think not'. At this point, the husband quickly intervened to save an embarrassing situation from escalating even further by offering us a tray of tomato plants. The lady just snapped' Don't be ridiculous Clive, they're not into all that'.

It has been a weekend of getting to know the neighbours.

On Sunday morning, James spent a good 45 minutes gossiping with our next door neighbours about every single occupant of the estate. They were very proud to announce that they had lived on the estate for the last 40 years, ever since the estate had been built, so knew every single person. They also made it quite clear who were the 'in' people and who had upset the others so were deemed 'not Tattenhall' people!!! There is now a part of me who just wants to go and introduce myself to the 'not Tattenhall' crew and form a little club. Our next door neighbours also told us about the 'Secret field' behind the estate (Maybe only 'in' people get to know about it so this is a sign that we may be 'Tattenhall people' after all. Maybe not!) Basically, it is a huge field that is owned by the council but which they can do very little with, as there is no room for access apart from a little pathway which then opens up into this huge meadow. We knew nothing about it!

On Sunday afternoon, James and Anna went to explore. 5 minutes later they were back. Anna seemed slightly unimpressed due to the lack of play equipment (Apparently, Cheshire council had given a grant for swings and slides but Tattenhall parish council deemed it 'unnecessary' so spent it on paving slabs instead!). However, just as Anna and James were telling me about the 'secret field', a lady with her 2 year old daughter came to the house and said that she had hoped her family hadn't scared Anna off. She then invited us to go and play with them so off we trooped. She had 2 older boys who had called at all the houses en route to pick up other boys on the estate and they were having a game of cricket with their dad. Anna began to play with Eva (the 2 year old daughter) and it quickly emerged that this mum was also a teacher. We had something in common!

Anyway, an hour later, we have finished gossiping. I have found out what it is like to work in an outstanding school (the closest I will ever get to actually knowing!) and we begin to walk home. I end up telling Kirsty (Mum to Eva) about how I am useless at chit chat and struggling to break the ice in the preschool playground at which point, she offers to help. Basically, she tells me that she will look out for me in the playground tomorrow and will introduce me to the 'mum's to know'. At this point, her husband is telling James about a family social event at the sports club on Friday night and how we should go. In fact, they will 'call for us' as they walk past on Friday night and we can go together! Why do I suddenly feel like a teenager again?

All night, I then sit there worrying about what I am going to wear and what I am going to say. I don't think anyone realises just how painfully shy I am! I have a horrible feeling I just come across as rude when I sit there, not knowing what to say and nodding like that stupid insurance dog on the telly.

So Monday morning comes and I am dressed in an outfit that James assures me, does not make me look pregnant (The outfit I was wearing when the lady accused me of being pregnant has gone into the bin!). I have to get it right. I don't want to look too dressed up that I have made too much effort but I don't want to look like my normal bedraggled 'just got out of bed' look either.

I feel like it is my first day at school as we walk up to the school gate. Anna is chatting away as always and my mind is trying to think of things to say when they all greet me with their cheery hello's.

Kirsty is lovely and has been waiting for me in the playground. As I thought, she is stood with the 'designer' mum's but at least Kirsty looks normal. I soon find out that Kirsty knows EVERYBODY and is very popular. She starts telling me who is related to who and who's child belongs to which mum. It is all very confusing and I forget all of it in two seconds flat! Then she tells me that the 'mum' who knows everybody and who can 'get me in' is not here today but she will work on it.

We end up walking home with another mum who happens to run the family social event on Friday. Kirsty tells her how I have just moved in and trying to get to know people. The social event lady then tells me that with a daughter like Anna, who talks to everybody and smiles so wonderfully, it should be easy to get to know people. The trouble is that Anna is the complete opposite of me. Anna insists on talking to everybody, approaching them with a cheery 'hello' and 'how are you today' and if they don't answer, Anna then shouts 'I SAID HELLO, HOW ARE YOU TODAY' so they have no choice but to answer. On the one occasion when someone chose not to answer on the 2nd time of asking, Anna ran after them and said 'HELLO. WHY ARE YOU NOT TALKING TO ME?' with a huge smile on their face. They ended up having a conversation about postmen! I need to start taking lessons from my own daughter!

We then come to the fork in the path and my house is to the right and both Kirsty and 'the lady whose name I have forgot' (I am useless) houses are to the left. They are talking about some family who I have never heard of so I mumble something about my house being this way. Kirsty just looks at me and says 'No, you don't. You are going to walk home the long way and you are going to chat. It is the only way you get to know people around here'. So off I go. The problem is that the path is rather narrow for 3 people so, in my endeavour to keep up, I then get whacked in the face with a low-hanging branch. I make such a great first impression!

So I now feel like I am living in goldfish bowl. Everybody knows everybody else and must know everything about each other (including the fact that they think I am pregnant. Oh God!). In order to be seen to 'fit in', you must be able to talk to the right people and you must NOT, under no circumstances, be socially inept and unable to hold a conversation about small talk! This is going to be very steep learning curve for me and one that I am failing miserably at the moment. Let's hope I can only get better!