Welcome to the Jungle

Chaos, mayhem, madness and commotion would be the best way to describe Anna's party this year! Having a slightly bigger house this year meant that we were got slightly carried away and thought that 41 guests and one dog would be easy!!! Cue the hysterical laughing!

Ever since last November, I had been telling everyone that I wasn't going to another party this year after all the stress from last time. Then, Anna started to go to her friend's parties and tell me how wonderful it was and how she would love a party and suddenly you find yourself agreeing! Your memory can play cruel tricks on you and, over the passage of time, you forget how stressful it was. It is a little like childbirth. If every woman had a fantastic memory, I am sure that they would never ever have more than one child. However, the memory fades and you fool yourself into thinking that it couldn't possibly been have as bad as you recall... until you find yourself making noises that you thought you were not humanly possible whilst in the midst of a contraction!

Anna's party preparation was very much like that! As I stood in Marks and Spencers for 52 minutes, in a queue of 20 pensioners all ordering their Christmas Turkey, whilst I was picking up 8 pallets full of food for Anna's party the next day. Even as the boy scout (who was doing volunteer work for the day) was wheeling the 8 pallets out to my car, I was still questioning whether had ordered enough. (In hindsight, the answer was Yes. However, I think my food ordering must be getting better as I wasn't handing out a tray full of sandwiches to each guest as they left this year!)

I was also questioning why I put myself through this every year whilst James and I were stood on step ladders attempting to hang crepe paper from every available piece of ceiling space in our conservatory for 3 hours on the Saturday afternoon. You may be asking why?

The theme for this year was 'The Jungle'. Anna had asked for a Rhino theme (Yes - the Rhino obsession continues). However, after extensive research, I found that manufacturers don't appear to supply Rhino plates, party hats and matching napkins. Therefore, we compromised and Anna agreed to have a Jungle theme. I chose to ignore the person who, after I ordered all the jungle themed party ware, questioned whether Rhino's actually live in the jungle. (After 'googling it, I found that the answer was non-conclusive but most would suggest that they don't! Anna will grow up with the misconception that they do using her 4Th birthday party as point of reference!!!

This resulted in James and I spending an entire Saturday afternoon and evening attempting to make half of our conservatory look like a jungle. You know when you have a vision in your head of what it will look like and then the reality turns out to be nothing like you imagined. That is basically what it ended up being! I had some very kind friends who complimented me on how fantastic it looked but I'm sure that they were just being polite. To me, it just looked like a conservatory which had a few trees stuck to a window and some dangling bits of green paper hanging from the roof. Anna confirmed my suspicions when, after finishing the scenery, I said , in my excited and mock-surprised voice, 'Wow Anna, there is a jungle in our conservatory!. Anna came running in, took on look at it and said 'Oh Thank you Mummy and Daddy. You tried really hard'.

2 days before, Anna informed me that the party was Fancy-dress. Despite not mentioning this on the invitations that had been sent out, Anna had decided that she was going to be a butterfly for the party.

'But we don't have a butterfly costume' I protested.

"Yes we do Mummy" replied Anna and disappeared upstairs, only to come back 3 minutes later with her fairy costume. When I pointed out that it was in fact a fairy costume, Anna thought for a moment and said 'Don't be silly Mummy. When have you ever seen a fairy in the jungle? It has wings and I'm in the jungle. I'm a butterfly".

This then meant that I had to text/phone all her friends to tell them of the latest development (I had visions of children crying because Anna was in fancy dress and they hadn't been told that they could dress up).

This meant that, within our Jungle, we had a butterfly, leopard, tigger, a Princess, a Disney princess (forgot the name!), Cinderella, Roary the Racing Car and a pirate.

There is no denying that the party was chaos to say the least. I had adults needing 5 minutes 'time out' in our spare bedroom from the mayhem. However, I like to think that the adults gained some valuable tips for life (on how not to do things!!) but, most importantly, that the children had a good time. We had party games, a fantastic Jo Jingles teacher who really did save the day with some fab music and games, food, cake and chocolate. What more do you need?

At the end of it all, Anna was exhausted and even let out a big sigh as the last guest left. I think even she needed 5 minutes 'relaxation' time to gather her thoughts.

However, the biggest indicator of how successful the party had been came when it was time for bed. Anna looked at me and, without any prompting, gave me a huge hug before saying 'EVERYBODY came to see me today Mummy. This has been the best day ever' before falling asleep with a huge smile on her face (in a very squashed position having insisted that a huge Mickey Mouse, Zac from Zingzillas, Jessie and all her other new toys share her bed with her)

I want to say the biggest 'THANK YOU' to everybody who attended Anna's party, sent her a card and/or gave her a gift. Yet again, we feel completely overwhelmed by family and friends who are incredibly kind and who are gorgeous people to know. Anna is extremely lucky to have you all in her life!

Happy 4th Birthday Anna!

My baby girl is 4 today! In fact, that last sentence isn't true. My little girl isn't a baby any more (as her Mummy sobs)

Last week, we went to Anna's prospective primary school and met her teacher. It all seemed far too grown up.

Next week, Anna begins going to pre-school for an entire day (potential new job opportunity). Every other child in Anna's year group goes for the whole day except Anna who goes each morning. Her teacher pulled me to one side and mentioned that Anna was growing up and would probably benefit for going for an entire day, ready for school in September. She will now be going all day Monday and 3 other mornings. A whole day without my girl! She is growing up!

Every day we are reminded that our little girl isn't a baby any more. For example, last week she read the entire label from my friend's coat 'Zara Women's Collection. Only at Zara'. Whilst my friends sat there open-mouthed, I was completely oblivious! I just thought that she recognised the words from the shop signs. She has been asking what each shop that we walk past is called for ages so just thought it was a good memory game. My friends suggested that it was rather good for 4! It got me thinking that maybe Anna could actually read a couple of words. I then happened to leave my Reception level flashcards out, wondering if Anna would take any interest. She found them pretty quickly, picked them up and then proceeded to read 43 out of 45 words including 'going', come', 'went', 'the', 'they' and so on! Could she read a book? So I then found my old Reception Level 1 books and Anna told me she wanted to read me a story. 'Kipper was Fishing. He got a crab. Chip was Fishing. He got an octopus' and so it went until she read the entire book! How on earth does she read it? I have absolutely no idea!!! I even thought that it must be books that pre-school have been showing her. They had never seen them before!!!! The teacher then informs me that Anna can read the entire register of names plus what they are having for lunch! She is growing up!!!!!!! (I am probably showing off. I can only apologise but I am just trying to illustrate the point that my daughter is so grown up that she is actually reading! I have no idea how, other than the fact that she has always had a huge interest in words and letters. Plus, it is her birthday. Can I just show off on her birthday???)

Anna's sense of humour is also rather wicked! She has a really cheeky giggle and, if something makes her laugh, she will keep thinking about it all afternoon and collapse in a fit of hysterics again... rather like her mother!!!! In fact, she often makes me laugh very loudly so that I can't stop! It either means that I have a very immature sense of humour or my daughter has a mature sense of humour. You decide! Either way, my baby is growing up!

Her teachers tell me she is extremely polite and well-mannered and always willing to help others, even if it means she has to stop her own enjoyment temporarily to help someone else. I hope that continues throughout her entire life as it is one of life's most important lessons to learn!

Of course, being 4 years old also comes with it's own challenges. Miss Independent insists on doing everything herself and then gets extremely frustrated if she can't do it. She is also fiercely strong-willed and if she has an idea in her head, nothing or nobody will stop her. Stubbornness also features from time to time but I blame the parents! Both her Mummy and Daddy are stubborn so we only have ourselves to blame for that one!

Growing up can be hard sometimes, especially for her Mummy who can't get her head around the fact that it is all going too fast and her baby starts school in this next year. It also makes her Mummy feel very old! However, with Anna around, life is never dull and just full of loveliness.

Both her Mummy and Daddy are extremely proud of our girl. She is beautiful, kind, affectionate, funny and simply wonderful - the best little person on the entire planet! We love you so much Anna Elizabeth Gibson! (More sobbing from Mummy)

PS: Photos and news from her party will follow soon. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for coming and making it 'the best day ever' (her words) for Anna

Rhino Mania

If you have spent more than 2 minutes in the company of Anna this summer, you will know that there has only been one topic of conversation. Rhino's!! In fact, even her beloved cube now sits at home sulking while her new cuddly Rhino (called Empathy) accompanies Anna when we go out.

So where has this new found passion for Rhino's come from?

Well, hopefully, the website may explain it a little.

www.rhinomania.co.uk.

Basically, it is 63 life-size Rhino's that have been placed in and about Chester for the summer. They have painted in various guises and all 'works of art', created by some famous and not-so-famous local artists. 2 Rhinos are painted like roman soldiers (to promote the idea of Chester being a Roman city with many links still remaining) while some are more abstract (A Rhino painted white with a bar code and 'While Stocks Last' written on him, to highlight their possible extinction at the hands of human activity). Some of the Rhinos are actually rather stunning pieces of art work. However, this doesn't actually go anyway to explain the obsession that has taken over the Gibson household.

It all started with an innocent trip to Chester where we happened to walk by 'Blossom', a Rhino painted with the flowers of Grosvenor Park in Chester. Anna insisted that she introduce herself to him, give him a hug and a kiss and discuss his finer points. We then eventually walked on and came across another Rhino. Again, we stopped to talk to him and then moved on. At this point, I happened to mention that there were several Rhino's in Chester. To illustrate my point, I then showed Anna a map that was placed next to the Rhino.
Anna's eyes lit up. 'It says '63 Mummy. There are 63 Rhino's. Can we see them all?'

James and I just smiled at each other naively, completely oblivious to the fact that Rhinos were about to take over our lives for summer 2010. We just assumed that Anna would get bored after 5!

2 months on and we have seen all 63! Plus, not content at that, Anna started to see 'baby Rhino's' and wanted to see all of them. (A Baby Rhino was given to each school to paint in their own way. The school then gave it back to the project where they were then displayed across Chester and beyond, before eventually being returned to their school). There are 116!!! I know what you are thinking. Just go and see a few and then tell Anna that you have seen them all. You underestimate my daughter. You see, Anna has a map of the 116 Baby Rhino's and now ticks them when she has seen them. Every morning during the summer, I have actually had a progress report of how many we had seen and how many left we had to find. 'You do know that there are 3 more baby Rhino's don't you Mummy? They are at the zoo Mummy. We won't forget them will we Mummy?’ Yes, that's right. We have seen all 116 Baby Rhino's too.
Some of them are not easy to find either. Maximus was in London (on the platform which sees the train from Chester arrive in Euston each day. Maximus is meant to promote Chester to London folk!!) So, the Gibson family (just to confirm how sad we are) all trooped to London. Of course, we did do other things apart from just seeing Maximus the Rhino but I would be lying if I said that it played a small role in the trip. For Anna, despite showing her Hyde Park, Buckingham Palace, the Science Museum with a basement designed entirely for toddlers with water, sand and the biggest lightweight Lego bricks you have ever seen, the Rainforest Cafe (although she did love the Rainforest with lightning and thunder effects and even ate all her lunch for the first time ever) and numerous tube stations (!!!!) ... the Rhino was still the highlight of her day, especially when Anna noticed that he had red sandals on!!

Now this is the worrying bit. Anna is now able to name all 63 Rhino's, their location in Chester and what their number is, all off by heart. For example, we were going for a walk by the river one Sunday afternoon when I casually asked where the ice cream kiosk was. 'Next to number 58 Mummy. We can see the ice cream when we stand next to Lawrence' said Anna. James and I just nodded in a patronizing way. Sure enough, Lawrence the Rhino was stood next to the Ice Cream kiosk and his number was 58! We have only visited the riverside Rhino's once so she must have remembered it from reading her Rhino Guidebook each and every morning (whilst giving me the update!)

Anna has given them all personalities too. She informs me that Buzz, the Baby Rhino is quite shy and his Mummy, 'Fleur' goes to look after him when all the visitors have gone home.

She can also read all her numbers to 116 and many street names in Chester. She is also amazing at reading maps. Forget GPS, all you need is Anna Gibson if you ever get lost in Chester!

She has also got to know each and every staff member working in the restaurants, tourist attractions, shops and other amenities where Rhino’s hang out. In fact, in one restaurant, they had sneakily put the Rhino in the back of their establishment (Most display them in windows. They don’t want a 3 year old causing chaos in Marco Pierre Whites restaurant!!). I was just explaining to Anna that we may not be able to see this particular Rhino (located at the back of the restaurant) when the manageress happened to walk out.
‘Hello’ said Anna. ‘Have you got a Rhino in there? Please may I see it?’
I have to admit that I was now acting like the embarrassed teenager while Anna took the role of pushy parent.
The manageresses just smiled and said ‘For being such a polite young lady, come in’.
I shuffled in, dressed in my cropped trousers and scruffy flip flops while Anna said ‘Thank you very much’ and casually saunters up to the back of the restaurant with the Manageress (who I later find out is called Emma). 10 minutes later and I wonder whether Emma has got Anna washing dishes so go and find her (It is one of those dark restaurants with atmospheric lighting and mood music). Emma and Anna are discussing Indian culture (The Rhino was decorated to celebrate Indian culture after the school had been studying this as a topic). Emma informs me that I have a lovely young girl and tells me to help myself to a drink. When I return, Anna is telling Emma all about the other Rhino’s in other restaurants. ‘I think Bindi likes being in this restaurant. It smells yummy but he is not very good at seeing in the dark. You need to put the lights on and blow the candles out’ reflects Anna. Thankfully, Emma laughed. After Anna had given the manageress her review of her restaurant, I thought it was time to leave but not before Emma told Anna to go back in 10 years’ time and she would give her a weekend job as ‘front of house’. I am going to hold them to that!

I think’ Rhino Mania’ has helped Anna in lots of ways. Her social skills have really developed and, because, we have often had to ask about where the Rhinos are in each place, Anna has got really polite and confident in asking. She does not hesitate to go up to the snotty stuck-up girl in the posh boutique and enquire as to where the Rhino is and I was very proud of her when she then went back to her at the end and said ‘Thank you. I saw the Rhino in your shop. He was lovely, Thank You for letting me see him” Suddenly the girl smiled and was very chatty. I think I should take some lesson’s form Anna!

However, tragedy struck today as Rhino Mania has come to an end. I had explained to Anna that the Rhino's had to go home and they had only come to visit Chester for the summer holidays but I think reality hit home today. In each location where a Rhino once stood, Anna was visibly dismayed at the sight of an empty space. 'Where has Regal Rhino gone?' Anna uttered, trying hard to fight the tears. Anna couldn’t understand why anyone would want to leave Chester and, more importantly, her!

Luckily, I had a plan B. 58 of the Rhinos are being auctioned for Charity and there is a Gala event being held at the Racecourse. Tickets are £45 each so we won't be going to that. However, in the 3 days leading up to this, there is a preview of the Rhino's, all shiny and polished, which anyone can attend. Therefore, I had explained to Anna that this will be the Rhino's leaving party and a chance for her to say 'Goodbye'. Anna is now beside herself with excitement. In fact, she seems more excited about this than ever. Each morning, she asks when the party is and what party dress she can wear.

However, I have gone one step further! Bank of America (James' employers) are actually hosting the event (They like to do their bit for Charity as it gets them into the council's good books and then they can build all over designated green space!!) and a friend of mine told me how employees can volunteer at the Gala event. Now I thought this would be an ideal opportunity to ensure the Rhino's went to a good home. I also thought it would give me some 'inside information' on where the Rhino's end up. So I bullied James into volunteering. At first he wasn't keen but I did use the emotional blackmail line about how he would be doing it for Anna. (It also may prove useful if I ever have to send begging letters asking if my daughter can come and visit the Rhino's because she is having withdrawal symptoms!). This didn't seem to work and he accused ME of being rather obsessed with the Rhino's and using my daughter as a cover! He may have had a point. However, I then pointed out that if he went for a job as a 'telephone bidder', he could actually get to bid thousands of pounds of other people's money (some of the Rhinos are predicted to go for £10,000 plus!). This seemed to appeal to him and, I am delighted to say that he successfully won a place as a telephone bidder. This means that, on the evening of the 5th October, dressed in formal black tie, my husband will be at the Rhino Gala event at Chester Racecourse with a telephone stuck to his ear as he is asked to bid £10,000 on a plastic Rhino! Life can be surreal at times!

With hindsight, Rhino obsession may have taken over the Gibson household this summer. However, it has meant that we have walked miles and miles on the hunt for them, seen so many new places in Chester and got to know more about our hometown, Anna has become an expert at reading maps, memorising numbers and getting to know landmarks of Chester and we have had lots of fun!

Rhinos have dominated our whole summer. In fact, Anna is now asking whether she can have a Rhino themed birthday party. I fear that, even though Rhino Mania may have come to an end with the passing of summer, Rhino Mania may not have finished in this household quite yet!

An Audience with Mummy...

They do warn you that you lose all dignity from the moment you become pregnant.

I would have to agree, especially when I think about a scenario involving stirrups, 4 midwives, 2 student doctors plus the tea lady all watching as Anna travels down the birth canal and me saying 'I'm feeling tired. Can I go home now? We can continue the party tomorrow night'.

However, I actually thought that dignity could be restored once the horrors of childbirth had been cast to a long and distant memory. It appears not!

Now that Anna is fully potty-trained, she is using public toilets like everybody else. So, whilst out shopping, Anna and I occasionally find ourselves using the facilities available. Unfortunately, I sometimes need the lavatory myself and I have no choice but to take Anna with me if we are on our own. I suppose I could leave Anna to wander around outside by herself but I'm not sure that it would be the wisest idea.

Sharing a toilet cubicle with a 3 year old is not good. During these occasions, Anna has been known to:

Shout, in a very loud voice, "Mummy, are you doing a wee or a poo? before then shouting 'Mummy is just doing a big wee and then we are coming out' so that the whole queue can hear us.

Or, and this is her favourite option and the one that she does on virtually every occasion,

Open the locked door whilst I am mid-flow and say 'Look everybody. Mummy is doing a wee-wee. Isn't she a good girl. Give Mummy a clap".

Meanwhile, I am sat on the toilet trying to kick the door closed with my foot, pull Anna back into the cubicle and pull my trousers up, all at the same time.

Of course, most people then laugh at Anna and so this just encourages her to do it the next time that we find ourselves in the same situation.

You will no longer find me in any public toilet anywhere until Anna decides that public announcement officer is not the career she wishes to pursue!

How to Alienate Your New Neighbours

It appears that we are living in Gardener's World.

This has proved a problem, seeing as though James and I are not the best gardeners in the world.

We have moved to a house with a much bigger garden than we had previously. Even our electric lawn mower took one look at it and refused to start. Hence why James is now the proud owner of a very shiny mower with automatic start and petrol fumes. He is taking great pride in cutting the grass at the moment!

Our cul-de-sac does boasts rather a lot of houses with spectacular gardens. There is a covenant on all the houses on our estate that states that the front garden must remain open (No hedges or fences) so that it has an 'open-plan feel' and that it is a very friendly place to be, with no boundaries to make us feel enclosed from each other. (What a shame that the school playground doesn't adopt the same approach). This all works very well except you then get a huge pressure to make sure that your garden is 'up to scratch'. One of our neighbours actually told us that maintaining a nice garden is for the benefit of the neighbours more than yourself. (His garden is actually amazing and the best in the whole estate. He spends 3 whole days per week out there, he uses a fork, normally used for eating your dinner, to prick the soil and even measures the space between plants and ensures the strips on his lawn are matching!!!)

All of this is fine if you have 3 whole days to spend manicuring your garden (and many of our neighbours do have the time, being retired). However, some more sensible people have taken the approach of having perfectly manicured lawns but without the bedding plants and shrubbery.

We have moved to house which boasted a very impressive bed of plants and shrubbery but was beginning to look rather wild after a harsh winter and no love and attention. Therefore, we felt that the best thing to do was turf most of the beds, leaving one or two, including the beautiful magnolia trees, for colour. After all, what would the neighbours prefer - a garden full of wild shrubs and plants with weeds galore or a nicely mowed lawn.

Therefore, we took a number of quotes from (what we thought) respectable gardeners. There was one gardener who took one look at it and said it was too big a job for him. Eventually we chose a gardener who seemed very polite and knew what he was talking about. Unfortunately, he then sent his assistant round.

Gary had 5 earrings up each ear and a tattoo of a completely naked lady on his right arm. He was shaven-haired and had a black eye. None of this bothered me so much. You shouldn't judge a person by what they look like.

Unfortunately, when he opened his mouth, it became quickly apparent that Gary was not that far from the stereotype. This guy could swear like you have never heard before and he was also not backwards in coming forward with his opinions. Within the first hour I had heard all about his 3 ex-wives who were all described in very non-flattering terms, how he was currently going though his 3rd messy divorce and was sleeping on a mate's floor, how he wasn't racist but that the BNP did have a point and how he had been beaten up by a load of Bouncers in a nightclub and he hadn't done anything except smack a guy around the head because he stood in the way of the TV when Manchester City were playing.

He also insisted on having a coffee (made by me) every 40 minutes while he phoned his solicitor to consult him about his ex-wife or the impending court case about the bouncers.

As you can imagine, this didn't go down brilliantly with the neighbours, who are very skilled in overhearing conversations and matters only got worse when one of our neighbours tried to consult him about the work he was doing. The conversation went..

Neighbour (Posh voice with a Poodle on a lead): "Excuse me young man. Would you mind telling me what you are doing?"
Gary: "I'm ripping these plant out."
Neighbour: "And what do your propose you are going to do with them?"
Gary: "Dunno. Ask me boss. He'll probably burn 'em like."
Neighbour: "That is terrible. I think it's a disgrace. And what is the home owner proposing to do with this garden?"
Gary: "With all due respect, it is none of my business. I have just been hired to rip it out."

At this point, the posh poodle and it's owner walks off to go and consult with the other neighbour who had come out of their house to see what was going on.

It was at this unfortunate moment that I happen to come outside with the 11th coffee of the day. Gary then proceeds to tell me all about the conversation. He then follows this up by whispering to me 'Don't Worry love, I know how to really wind them up' and before I get a chance to say anything, he shouts out

'Ay Mrs Gibson. I think the hot tub will look really great here, you sipping champagne in your bikini and being able to watch the neighbours coming and going'.

Oh God!

The neighbours, after over hearing this, have now gone into information overload while I just go red and wonder what to do next. Do I go over and make some half-hearted attempt at a joke with them all or do I just smile politely and go back inside?

I chose the latter.

3 days later, Gary has finished (in a job that was meant to last a day and a half maximum) and the boss returns to level the soil and turf the beds. Thankfully, he is extremely polite and actually knows some of our neighbours so calm is temporarily restored.

However, another neighbour then decides to approach him to enquire as to the whereabouts of the plants that have now disappeared. On informing her that these plants were now no longer around, the 'helpful' neighbour informs us that the people living here 6 years ago were actually botanists and their job was to keep plants from going extinct and to preserve extremely rare and precious plants. Our beds were full of them apparently, "bringing much enjoyment to the neighbourhood'. Great!

Apparently, our gardener didn't have a clue. So much for qualifications in Horticulture! Thankfully, he was polite enough to diffuse the situation and convince our neighbour that it was individual choice and that a neat garden was better than a scruffy one, albeit with rare and precious plants in it! If it had been Gary who had been presented with the same information, I fear that the neighbour would have been told where she could put the rare plants.

Since then, I have had yet another neighbour comment on what a "neat garden you now have. Shame about the beautiful plants though isn't it".

Oh dear!

James and I are currently undertaking studies in 'How to Survive in a Small Village'. At the moment, we are failing the course in spectacular fashion. Certainly makes life interesting though!

How Not to Win Friends: Get Anna to Wee on Them!

'I am a grown woman. I am not some teenager in the playground. I can string more than 2 words together and not sound like a total idiot'.

I am having to repeat this mantra on an hourly basis at the moment.

It truly feels like I am 13 again and have started 'big school', not knowing a single person and trying to break some crack code in order to be accepted as 'one of them'.

Yes, you guessed it. Bloody playground politics again.

I actually thought I might be making some very tiny but significant steps in making friends but today's episode has just confirmed that I have never been further away from actually holding a nice conversation with one of them.

Today was the school trip to the local Farm where all the mums were expected to go in order to supervise their child. The first words spoken out of the teachers mouth this morning was 'Today, we may have organised the trip but you are responsible for your children. We don't want accidents but if your child did get hit by a moving vehicle, it would be your fault as they are your responsibility'! So on that cheery note...

It started badly when Anna was offered a biscuit! For some unknown reason, Anna has developed an irrational fear of biscuits so burst out crying at the Farmer who offered it and started having a general rant. In order to calm her down, I then had to take her out of the barn and pretend to be fascinated by some cow poo (It was the only thing around that I could pretend to get excited about and therefore get Anna's mind taken off the offending biscuit). By this point, all the mothers had raised their alert systems so that they had Anna marked as the child who was going to cause the nuisance.

For some inexplicable reason, Anna also lost all power of speech today so that, any time that one of the parents asked her a question, she would just talk complete baby language so that nobody, including myself, could understand a word. This is the girl who, only 2 days ago, was having a conversation about the differences between a helicopter and aeroplane and yet she couldn't answer a question about what colour her wellies were! At one point, one of the mum's asked me how old she was and looked very shocked when I told her. 'Oh, My daughter is a month younger than yours' and then walked off, feeling all smug with herself, thinking that her daughter was far better spoken than mine.

Anna then decided to have a rant when the Farmer tried to take her decorated egg box off her to put with the others, ready for collecting eggs later. Every other child managed to do this without an issue but Anna was claiming unfair treatment!

It wasn't long after the tractor ride has begun that Anna started to ask for the toilet. This is despite the fact that I had asked her if she wanted a wee literally 2 minutes before we embarked on our journey. At the very moment that she asked to use a toilet, we were in a field full of cattle who had just given birth so there was no way they would have allowed an irate 3 year old to threaten the newborn calves. As soon as we got to the next field and the farmer had described the activity to be completed (counting how many different green leaves you could see in a hedge!!!!), I asked if we could go into the next field to use as a toilet. Thankfully, the farmer was very kind and agreed. However, Anna refused point blank. I have taken her once before in a field when we got caught short and she hated it. She kept telling me that the field did not come with a flush and we couldn't just leave the wee sitting there. After an argument, I had no choice but to give in. Everyone was now gathered back on the trailer and waiting for me. I was going to be standing here all day having an argument whilst Anna was using every muscle to hold her fluids in! I told Anna that she would have to hold it if she refused to do it here and now. She promised me that she was able to do it.

Now imagine the scene: we are all sat on hay bales (which wouldn't have been so bad as they do tend to soak up moisture rather well) which have been covered in plastic sheeting (Bad!). All the mums, kitted out in their Joules jumpers, Jodhpurs and Hunter wellies, are sat in a row talking about how the best teacher at the school gave gifts to the parents last year which included manicures at a local beauty salon (I kid you not).

The field is rather bumpy when Anna gives me on of those 'looks' and I know what is coming. I have a choice, I can either let Anna have a wee where she is sat and have the entire plastic sheeting covered in wee, I could stand her up and let the wee flow over everyone's brand new footwear or I can save everyone else and soak myself. Therefore, I waved goodbye to sanity and picked Anna up in that split second and put her on my lap where she then proceeded to wee on me! My jeans were soaked but, at least, I had saved everyone else.

Oh if only, but it appears not.

You see, Anna had saved a little bit left so that, when I placed her back down on the plastic sheeting, the second half of her bladder emptied. She is now sat in a puddle of wee. This situation might have been saved if I could have been quick enough to wipe it up in time but, in the milli-second after she had done this, the tractor then went down a rather steep hill, meaning the wee then flowed down the plastic sheeting and seeped under every one of those mum's bottoms, soaking everyone!

At this point, Anna is in meltdown, crying and yelling that she wants to go home and go to bed. Meanwhile, I feel like doing exactly the same thing and joining in with her but have to pretend that I am in control of the situation.

Of course, all of the mum's are far too polite to say anything so just avert their eyes and refuse to acknowledge we are there, which is exactly what they continued to do for the rest of the day!

I am a walking disaster! How do I find myself in these situations?

It doesn't help that I am a complete stressed mess in front of these people. The Friday night where we went out with our neighbours, I was awful. My mouth goes dry and I can't seem to remember my own name, let alone anything else they may ask me. I don't have anything intelligent to say when they talk about topics I know nothing about and I seem to be an alien from another planet to most of them. I come out in a cold sweat and I even called Anna by some random name! This happens every time that I have anything to do with them. There is no point saying 'Be yourself' either because I have tried that and it hasn't got me anywhere! My instinct is to just run to a corner and hide. In fact, James had to come and find me on that Friday night as I had found my comfort zone playing hopscotch with some 5 year olds. I am a lost cause.

It is not as though I hate the village. In fact, I know every single neighbour who lives in our row and they all come out to chat and joke when Anna and I walk past on our way to school. They seem to like me and I genuinely like chatting to them. However, this is not a good sign when they are all OAP's.

The 'mother mafia' is just like those stereotypical people you watch in those observational sketch shows but, where I thought they were all an exaggerated truth, they really do all exist in the Tattenhall playground. It also appears that us 'normal' mum's are slowly eradicated. We either become 'one of them' or the normal ones amongst us seem to resort to dropping their child off, with literally one second to go before the bell goes so that we don't have to look like we are Billy No mates.

So what do I do on Wednesday morning and, indeed, every morning that I have to face them?

Well, my only solution is to put on my best smile, hold my head high and pray for a miracle!

The Scooter Grand Prix

A fundraising event was recently held at pre-school.

Basically, Anna was asked to get sponsors for a Scooter Grand Prix where she would endeavour to complete 5 laps of the track (They have a race track painted on the playground, complete with zebra crossing and bus stop) on her scooter.

We had been training for weeks, at Anna's insistence. The problem was that Anna thought she was Jenson Button and going way too fast to cope with and ending up falling off. Anna had so many grazed knees and bruises that I was sure social services would be called any second. It didn't help when we saw all the other toddlers in training too as they proceeded to race down the path at astonishing speed.

Being the ultra competitive mum that I am (I am not proud of the fact but I can, at least, acknowledge my faults), I dared to ask the question over dinner one evening: 'Do you think Anna needs a better scooter for the Grand Prix?' James just rolled his eyes and went to fetch a bottle of cider. I explained that the other children seemed to have tiny little scooters that were very fast and lightweight. James reminded me that Anna had enough trouble staying on hers (Anna was out of earshot by now) which had bulky wheels which was supposed to aid balance so staying on the 'micro scooter', which everyone else had, was not going to happen. I was not convinced but then a stroll around John Lewis confirmed that Anna would not be getting a new scooter. It turns out that the scooter which all of the other children have is £60. Anna's Peppa Pig scooter was fine!

So it came to the day of the race and I was fearing the worst. I had visions of Anna throwing a major tantrum when she kept falling off or being overtaken. Of course, I had forgotten that Anna was going to be in the presence of 'greatness' in the form of Mrs Latham and Mrs Heath (Anna's teachers). Anna thinks that these two women are the best people in the world so it was best behaviour all around, especially from Anna's mum and dad!
Before the race, came the small matter of the raffle. The parents had received letters in the previous week, asking for raffle prize donations. For a split second, I had considered donating the old tin of sliced pears that I had found in the back of the cupboard but thought better of it. I am so glad that I did. Prizes for the pre-school raffle included a cookery lesson with Simon Rimmer (famous TV chef who happens to be friends with one of the parents), a day out at Silverstone and the chance to drive a Lamborghini, a meal for 4 at a Michelin starred restaurant, a signed print by some famous artist (a friend of one of the parents!) and, not forgetting, a homemade cake baked my Mrs Stubbings (one of the staff who is also a parent and who also thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread and can only be seen to be talking to the 'popular in crowd' of mum's). Needless to say that I didn't win anything!
So on to the race.

All of the children lined up, ready for the start. Anna listened intently to the instructions and they were off!

Now, I realise that these children are only 3 and 4 years old but rules are rules and I saw a huge amount of cheating going on, cutting corners and saying they were on lap 4 when they had only done one! There were also some very quick boys who were very good! I did expect the mum's to be cheering their children on and reminding them of their personal best's but it was quite a dignified affair (I think the kids had their pre-race talks before they arrived in the playground).

It wasn't long before one of the boys had won and, after much cheering and clapping, Mrs Heath announced there was juice and biscuits and suddenly there was a mass of children running towards the school building as scooters were abandoned mid-lap, piled up high.

At this moment, Anna was still merrily scooting along the track, slow and steady but making sure that she didn't miss any corners or go over the white line. I told her what a clever girl she was and that she could go and get a drink and biscuit now.

"No Mummy, I have to do my 5 laps' said Anna.

I reassured her that it didn't matter and that she had tried very hard so could leave it now if she wanted.
"No Mummy. I need to finish the race'.

So, while all the other children ate their biscuits, Anna continued to scooter along at her own pace and finish the race!

She certainly didn't come last because most children had abandoned their scooter half way through the race but my little girl insisted on completing her own race, even when everyone had gone and, in my opinion, that makes her the winner. I am always proud of my little girl but I was bursting with pride at Anna's Scooter Grand Prix.

Thank you so much to everyone who was kind enough to sponsor Anna. You are all fantastic and Anna is very lucky to have you as her family and friends. xx