How Not to Win Friends: Get Anna to Wee on Them!

'I am a grown woman. I am not some teenager in the playground. I can string more than 2 words together and not sound like a total idiot'.

I am having to repeat this mantra on an hourly basis at the moment.

It truly feels like I am 13 again and have started 'big school', not knowing a single person and trying to break some crack code in order to be accepted as 'one of them'.

Yes, you guessed it. Bloody playground politics again.

I actually thought I might be making some very tiny but significant steps in making friends but today's episode has just confirmed that I have never been further away from actually holding a nice conversation with one of them.

Today was the school trip to the local Farm where all the mums were expected to go in order to supervise their child. The first words spoken out of the teachers mouth this morning was 'Today, we may have organised the trip but you are responsible for your children. We don't want accidents but if your child did get hit by a moving vehicle, it would be your fault as they are your responsibility'! So on that cheery note...

It started badly when Anna was offered a biscuit! For some unknown reason, Anna has developed an irrational fear of biscuits so burst out crying at the Farmer who offered it and started having a general rant. In order to calm her down, I then had to take her out of the barn and pretend to be fascinated by some cow poo (It was the only thing around that I could pretend to get excited about and therefore get Anna's mind taken off the offending biscuit). By this point, all the mothers had raised their alert systems so that they had Anna marked as the child who was going to cause the nuisance.

For some inexplicable reason, Anna also lost all power of speech today so that, any time that one of the parents asked her a question, she would just talk complete baby language so that nobody, including myself, could understand a word. This is the girl who, only 2 days ago, was having a conversation about the differences between a helicopter and aeroplane and yet she couldn't answer a question about what colour her wellies were! At one point, one of the mum's asked me how old she was and looked very shocked when I told her. 'Oh, My daughter is a month younger than yours' and then walked off, feeling all smug with herself, thinking that her daughter was far better spoken than mine.

Anna then decided to have a rant when the Farmer tried to take her decorated egg box off her to put with the others, ready for collecting eggs later. Every other child managed to do this without an issue but Anna was claiming unfair treatment!

It wasn't long after the tractor ride has begun that Anna started to ask for the toilet. This is despite the fact that I had asked her if she wanted a wee literally 2 minutes before we embarked on our journey. At the very moment that she asked to use a toilet, we were in a field full of cattle who had just given birth so there was no way they would have allowed an irate 3 year old to threaten the newborn calves. As soon as we got to the next field and the farmer had described the activity to be completed (counting how many different green leaves you could see in a hedge!!!!), I asked if we could go into the next field to use as a toilet. Thankfully, the farmer was very kind and agreed. However, Anna refused point blank. I have taken her once before in a field when we got caught short and she hated it. She kept telling me that the field did not come with a flush and we couldn't just leave the wee sitting there. After an argument, I had no choice but to give in. Everyone was now gathered back on the trailer and waiting for me. I was going to be standing here all day having an argument whilst Anna was using every muscle to hold her fluids in! I told Anna that she would have to hold it if she refused to do it here and now. She promised me that she was able to do it.

Now imagine the scene: we are all sat on hay bales (which wouldn't have been so bad as they do tend to soak up moisture rather well) which have been covered in plastic sheeting (Bad!). All the mums, kitted out in their Joules jumpers, Jodhpurs and Hunter wellies, are sat in a row talking about how the best teacher at the school gave gifts to the parents last year which included manicures at a local beauty salon (I kid you not).

The field is rather bumpy when Anna gives me on of those 'looks' and I know what is coming. I have a choice, I can either let Anna have a wee where she is sat and have the entire plastic sheeting covered in wee, I could stand her up and let the wee flow over everyone's brand new footwear or I can save everyone else and soak myself. Therefore, I waved goodbye to sanity and picked Anna up in that split second and put her on my lap where she then proceeded to wee on me! My jeans were soaked but, at least, I had saved everyone else.

Oh if only, but it appears not.

You see, Anna had saved a little bit left so that, when I placed her back down on the plastic sheeting, the second half of her bladder emptied. She is now sat in a puddle of wee. This situation might have been saved if I could have been quick enough to wipe it up in time but, in the milli-second after she had done this, the tractor then went down a rather steep hill, meaning the wee then flowed down the plastic sheeting and seeped under every one of those mum's bottoms, soaking everyone!

At this point, Anna is in meltdown, crying and yelling that she wants to go home and go to bed. Meanwhile, I feel like doing exactly the same thing and joining in with her but have to pretend that I am in control of the situation.

Of course, all of the mum's are far too polite to say anything so just avert their eyes and refuse to acknowledge we are there, which is exactly what they continued to do for the rest of the day!

I am a walking disaster! How do I find myself in these situations?

It doesn't help that I am a complete stressed mess in front of these people. The Friday night where we went out with our neighbours, I was awful. My mouth goes dry and I can't seem to remember my own name, let alone anything else they may ask me. I don't have anything intelligent to say when they talk about topics I know nothing about and I seem to be an alien from another planet to most of them. I come out in a cold sweat and I even called Anna by some random name! This happens every time that I have anything to do with them. There is no point saying 'Be yourself' either because I have tried that and it hasn't got me anywhere! My instinct is to just run to a corner and hide. In fact, James had to come and find me on that Friday night as I had found my comfort zone playing hopscotch with some 5 year olds. I am a lost cause.

It is not as though I hate the village. In fact, I know every single neighbour who lives in our row and they all come out to chat and joke when Anna and I walk past on our way to school. They seem to like me and I genuinely like chatting to them. However, this is not a good sign when they are all OAP's.

The 'mother mafia' is just like those stereotypical people you watch in those observational sketch shows but, where I thought they were all an exaggerated truth, they really do all exist in the Tattenhall playground. It also appears that us 'normal' mum's are slowly eradicated. We either become 'one of them' or the normal ones amongst us seem to resort to dropping their child off, with literally one second to go before the bell goes so that we don't have to look like we are Billy No mates.

So what do I do on Wednesday morning and, indeed, every morning that I have to face them?

Well, my only solution is to put on my best smile, hold my head high and pray for a miracle!