March Madness

I HATE March! You may remember that March last year was the most horrendous of months for us. There was a car accident, Ofsted visited school, James got ill and went into hospital, came out and went back in again, I had to step down from the 'Healthy Schools' advising committee (I couldn't attend as I was too busy with James getting ill etc), a beloved pet dying and various other numerous stressful situations.

However, this March has turned out to be just as awful and we have only had 2 days of it so far. The reason for it?

Anna has been in hospital this weekend. 'Hell' would be one word that springs to mind (the experience, not the hospital). It all started last Monday with an innocent cough that has lingered for a couple of weeks. I was a little concerned that it was lasting too long so took her to the GP, who said it was just a virus that would go away. It soon developed into a cold so I figured that the cough was all part of it and it would clear. By Thursday night, Anna was rather subdued (not tearing around the house at 100 MPH). Her cold had cleared up but she just wasn't herself. By Friday, Anna was very lethargic. All morning, she just lay on the sofa and didn't even want to crawl to get her favourite doll. The doctors said that they could fit me in at 5.30pm (after I made a fuss). I knew it was getting serious when i dropped a plate with a loud crash and Anna didn't even pick her head up. At this point, I was ready to take her to A and E and James had come home early. However, curiously, she then got a sudden bout of energy and started talking and being her normal self, walking around at rapid speed. However, by 4.30pm, she had started to become very tired again and her breathing was becoming faster with sharp intakes of breath so we went to the doctors early, in the hope that they may see her quicker. As I picked Anna up, all fully clothed with our coats and hats on, Anna was violently sick (after a coughing fit) and threw up the 2 yoghurt's, 1 rice cake and several cups of milk and water that she had eaten that day . Anna has a good aim as it landed in my hair, down my face and dripping off my chin as well as a drenched outfit, including underwear! I wasn't prepared to hang around though so the quickest outfit change that I have ever done and we went straight to the doctors, complete with a not-so-delightful aroma in my hair! Thankfully, getting to the doctors early worked as we were so early that the earlier appointments hadn't arrived (and the doctor hadn't got anybody to see). It didn't take long for us to be heading to hospital.

Anna had bronchitis. Basically, her wind pipes had become blocked so she was having to breathe in much more oxygen than normal to help her breathing, hence she had no energy to do anything else because she was concentrating on her breathing. Thankfully, the doctors and nurses were wonderful and amazing and did everything so quickly that Anna was walking the around the entire children and maternity unit by the following morning (There was no way that Anna would sit quietly in the ward when there was so much to explore!!) A dose of medication and inhalers and it was playing as normal. Unfortunately, although her oxygen levels were perfect on the Saturday, whenever Anna went to sleep, they would fall below the required rate. It was not dangerously low but lower than normal, which meant she had to stay for a second night with an oxygen mask. Thankfully, by midnight, the levels had risen, even though she was asleep so we could go home this morning (Sunday).

As you can imagine, I feel like we have all been put through an emotional mangle this weekend. Friday night felt like she was a newborn baby again as I sat up all night watching Anna sleeping with an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose. The nurses had offered me a bed in an empty ward, just one room down the corridor from Anna's room. I refused to go so they found me a camp bed to put by the cot. It didn't matter because I wouldn't have slept anyway. I sat up all night on the night she was born so this wasn't going to be any different. The nurses kept coming in to try and persuade me to sleep but I really couldn't. As it turns out, that was probably a good thing as Anna was alert and wide awake at 3am on Saturday morning. She didn't actually need that much sleep because her oxygen levels were now back to normal and she had all of this excess energy to use up, which she hadn't been able to do on Friday. (The oxygen levels returned to normal within literally 1 minute of Anna waking up so it was now only sleep that was the issue). At 4.30am, Anna was toddling around the hospital looking for mischief! The inhaler can make children hyperactive for 30 mins (even more hyperactive than Anna on a good day!) after taking it and Anna had to have a dose at 4am so, by 4.30am, Anna was virtually flying! The nurse said that she has never seen such an active child and that Anna and I were probably the only people awake in the whole of the children's building! Anna didn't go back to sleep until 2PM on Saturday afternoon.

I suppose the only good thing to come out of the whole experience is that Anna has learnt loads of new words. She can now say 'dog' (which can be embarrassing when she points to other children and says it) and has a very good go at saying fish (there was a fish tank right by Anna's bed so she got a very good view). She said 'Hello Nurse' when the nurse came in on Saturday morning (!!!) and, the most curious of all, was that she has said 'water' several times but she has only said it in her sleep. Thankfully, I have witnesses. The nurse, Kathryn, was checking on her and Anna said 'water'. I immediately looked at Kathryn and she looked at me before she asked 'Did she just say 'Water'. 'I'm not sure' I replied so Anna dutifully said it again for our benefit. However, when I gave her some water, she threw it back to me (She is very good at throwing as one of her favourite games is throwing her cube to me so I can throw it back as Anna tries to catch it (the catching is not so great!!).

All weekend (I have had many hours to sit and think in the middle of the night), I have been tearing myself up with guilt. If only I had insisted that Anna go to the doctors earlier. If only I could have breastfed Anna for longer, then maybe her immune system would have fought this virus off better. If only we lived in the countryside, maybe she wouldn't be exposed to so many germs. Then I thought that maybe I shouldn't be taking her to all of these clubs and classes, exposing Anna to all sorts of germs and viruses from lots of different groups of children? Maybe I could have prevented it by not letting her have that non-organic ham and cheese? Maybe I have fed her something that she is allergic too? Maybe the multi-vitamin supplements that I give her is not good enough? A million things went through my head (some crazy and some not-so-crazy). I think it is only natural that all parents feel guilt, it comes with being a parent along with stress and worry on a whole new scale that you can never ever anticipate until you become a mum. I suppose I stupidly thought that, by feeding Anna organic food, doing absolutely everything physically possible to keep my baby safe and healthy (e.g: still giving cooled, filtered, pre-boiled water) and by following everything that the guidebooks/other parents/medical people advise, my darling daughter would be immune from everything and never get ill. I'm now not sure it works like that. I still feel guilty but I'm really not sure what else I can do to stop it happening again (The doctors and nurses ensure me that there is nothing else that I could be doing) and that scares me because I don't like it that Anna can get ill and that I can't stop it from happening. It frightens me senseless.

The only other good thing about our weekend of hell is that even more people now know how wonderful Anna is. It was astonishing how many doctors, nurses, fellow parents and visitors all stopped and said how gorgeous she was. It helps that Anna is very friendly and tends to greet everyone with a huge smile and a wave. One doctor told me that she was very special and I heard one nurse say 'Have you seen that little girl called Anna walking up and down the corridor. She is such a cutie and so gorgeous'. (I was around the corner so I don't think they were saying it for my benefit). Of course, I already knew that she was beautiful and gorgeous and clever and wonderful but it is lovely to think other people realise it too!